Service Animals, Their Dangers and Functions

Back when I was a kid, there were only seeing-eye dogs. That is to say, if you were a dog and wanted a career path that didn’t involve you bouncing around like an idiot, then you would become a seeing-eye dog. They don’t call them that much anymore. Now, they are “guide dogs” because the term “seeing-eye dog” seems like a term that might be offensive, even though no one can see why just yet. They got out ahead of it and I commend them. Frankly, I think the phrase is delightfully repetitive, like the term “hot water heater”.

I think, though, that the blind might benefit from a little innovation. I think a seeing-eye cheetah would be just the creature to allow the blind to drive our nation’s highways. If we trained retired drug dogs to become seeing-eye dogs, then they could lead the blind to the nearest marijuana dispensary. I’d imagine that comes up more than anyone would like to admit.

There is a large variety of therapeutic service animals out there.  They train and sell Evil Genius Comfort-Cats to give evil guys something appropriate the stroke while making deplorable plans of world domination, mass murder and that Doobie Brothers Reunion concert.  Therapeutic dogs are often helpful with autistic children, giving them comfort during stressful times.  I would caution you not to give your child an Evil Genius Comfort-Cat or he might end up robbing Fort Knox.  Some PTSD sufferers use dogs to check out their empty homes upon entering and keeping people a little further away when they are out in public.  For this reason, the dog should be formidable, but not so formidable as to give OTHERS PTSD.  An added benefit is, if the patient does finally snap and goes on a shooting spree, extra ammo can easily be stored in the dog’s vest.

I think a Gay-Panic Dog would be a lifesaver.  If a homophobe is hit on by a gay man, the dog would lay down next to the owner in a comforting way and talk about sports and women’s breasts until the anxiety passes.  I could even see a service mouse trained to cause a huge commotion whenever your name-dropping or lies are on the verge of being exposed.  “I went to Cornell and I don’t remember there ever being someone like—Aaah!  A mouse!”

They sell “Seizure Dogs”.  These animals can sense an imminent seizure and quickly use a specially designed phone to call all of their friends because, when will they ever get a chance to see something like THAT again?  There are even allergen-sniffing dogs… although, I think a pig would be better.  The pig would be more likely to eat and therefore get rid of the allergen; also, if it turned out the animal was bad at his job, you could always turn him into breakfast… provided the allergy is not to pork sausage…

I think a big problem would come if two people, each using a service animal, paired up. I’m not going to debate the wisdom of a homophobe dating someone with PTSD; but, I do have an issue with their service animals breeding. Imagine two competent animals and the super-intelligent puppies they’ll have! And, not ALL super-intelligent dogs confine themselves to advice columns.

I can see a situation where the spawn loots your bank account, takes your job and house and throws you onto the street. You’d be homeless… without medical care. You’d become disoriented and your sight would start to fail. Maybe you’d have to get a service animal. Maybe, just as last time, you met another who also had such an animal. But, you pay more attention to the loyalties of the puppies, this time… until you have your super-intelligent puppy army…

And, then you make a play to get your house back…