Grandiose Thoughts that, in the End, Mean Nothing

The person you should really be competing with is yourself… because, when competing with others, you are horribly outclassed… I tried to explore my own sexuality but ended up finding a sea route to the West Indies. I decided to keep trying to explore my sexuality but law enforcement on that island has little patience […]

Things You Don’t Want to See During Sex

A Medic-alert bracelet with the letters H-I-V on it. Surgical tools and an empty syringe. Your ex-wife. Her Rottweiler An incredulous toddler peering at you from the doorway while his little mind is shredded into what I’d imagine would be the kind of schism a violent psychopath might develop from. A blu-ray of the movie […]

More From My Bucket List

[Everyone has things that they want to do before they die. Some people want to see things. Some people want to do things. And, some want to see people do things. Here are some items from my own bucket list:] I’d like to have a menage a trois with two penguin researchers. I want to […]

Why Kung-fu Movies are Better than Sex

On average, kung-fu movies last about eighty minutes; sex, in my experience, lasts about eighty seconds… two minutes if I think about baseball… forty-five seconds, if I think about women’s softball… In kung-fu movies, the martial artists pretend to be various animals to make themselves more unbeatable; but, ask your partner to pretend to be […]

My Only Regrets

[No one wants the die with regrets; but, that’s probably because no one wants to die in the first place. If I had any regrets, they would be the following:] I regret that I was not there for my two, or is it three (?), children * I regret that I’ve never bent anyone to […]