A Rant About Electrons and Kidney Stones


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I saw an article recently titled “Why do We Believe in Electrons but Not in Fairies?”. I think I have an answer for that question: I’ve never been knocked to my knees by fairies flowing through an exposed wire. Electrons, for such a small object, pack quite a punch. If we could hit, pound for pound, as hard as an electron, then electrons would think twice before coursing through our bodies and making our hair stand on end. You see, electrons are bullies. They walk into a piece of copper and start throwing their weight around; soon, every electron is slamming into every other electron and it starts looking like a Slayer concert. If you’ve never been to a Slayer concert, it looks like a riot only stupider. I attended a Slayer concert once, with enough opium in my system to allow me to attend a Slayer concert. Was it worth the sleeplessness and constipation afterwards? That really depends on how badly you want that cloudy medicated feeling. Personally, I’ll deal with kidney stone pain for hours before I break down and take an opiate. But, maybe I just enjoy the pain of a kidney stone. Admittedly, it is better than a Catholic wedding or the Dukes of Hazzard movie. A Catholic wedding lasts so LONG and you know exactly how it is going to end. As for the Dukes of Hazzard movie, you might know how it will end but good luck lasting until then to find out. At the beginning of the movie, you cannot conceive of any mainstream film that you would enjoy LESS than watching the autopsy of a drowning victim; then, fifteen minutes into the movie, WE HAVE A WINNER. Note that I do not advocate watching an autopsy and even less bringing a date if you do go to one. There’s no upside to it. If your date is healthy, he/she will be repulsed by your choice; if your date is into that kind of thing, I foresee unpleasantness in your future. But, I foresee unpleasantness in EVERYONE’S future. Life is like a kidney stone: There is good and bad in it but there’s always some relief after passing.

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