Long Needle Pine: Long needle pines provide no shade and their wood oozes a bad smelling glue; plus, I don’t trust a tree without lower branches. If I get a kite or model rocket stuck fifty feet above the earth, a mature long needle pine has so few branches that it is almost impossible to climb up; on the other hand, it is VERY easy to get back down.
Redwood: Ever since Lord of the Rings, I’ve had this nightmare of redwood trees running amok and pulling apart anyone with an expensive deck or sauna. I know that this isn’t likely but aren’t we all supposed to follow our dreams? My dreams say, “Cut this tree down and pour acid on the roots”
Crabapple: Crabapples are like rhubarb: They are not food, but people go out of their way to make them into food. How? Sugar, baby! A whole lot of sugar. Enough to make the crabapple component of the recipe completely irrelevant. Why do we eat them? It’s preferable to giving the neighbor kids something to throw at your car.
Bristlecone Pine: Bristlecone pines can be old… really old. There are bristlecone pines that have been around since before the crucifixion. Did any of them try to stop the crucifixion? No, because bristlecone pines look out for bristlecone pines…
Oak: Oak trees drop pieces of tree-shrapnel called “acorns” on your head and roof for a few months a year. Their primary purpose is to feed tree rats or “squirrels”. If you have an oak tree looming over your house, your entire autumn is spent lying awake in anticipation of when the next acorn is going to thud against your roof.
Larch: Ever since watching Monty Python, whenever I hear this tree’s name, my brain intones, “Number three, the larch… the… larch…”
Banyan: Most trees are content with where they are but banyan trees spread roots all over God’s green earth because they are avarice in tree form. They just take and take and take and one day, she leaves you for another tree…
Yucca: The yucca tree has leaves that function as crippling pikes that can, from my own experience, go deeply into your ankle causing great pain. This is understandable because the yucca is protecting a fruit that tastes like nothing and you definitely don’t want to give THAT away without a fight…
Bamboo: Any plant that grows up to a foot a day will probably end up strangling you in your sleep.
Holly: If you own a holly tree and you own children, good luck letting them walk around the yard barefoot. The leaves of the holly tree are unholy, child-crippling caltrops; But, your children’s screams of pain should taper off after they’ve poisoned themselves on its attractive but poisonous berries.