How to Lie, Lose Friends and Demotivate People

Image result for pancho villa
A symbol of my legal authority?  We don’t need no stinkin’ symbol of our legal authority

I was talking with a friend about a Spanish villa that she’s stayed at on vacation; and, I reminded her that the term “villa” was taken from Mexican revolutionary, Pancho Villa.  Villa enjoyed the freedom and space that large homes with spacious courtyards provided.  So, when he finally retired from his revolutionary activities, he settled down in a large home that the townspeople referred to as a “villa”… and the name stuck.

The above was a lie.  I never talked to a friend about a Spanish villa… in fact, I have literally no friends at all.  Pancho Villa had no preferences as far as architecture and space needs and I hear he retired to a condo in Cozumel.  I lied to you, on purpose, and for good reason.

I am a great liar.  Some people are good liars… others are honest to a fault; but, I take the truth and twist it until its head falls off.  I build the story as I go and I answer all questions.  What starts as unbelievable ends up being thought of as “unbelievable but true”.  When they ask me, “Really?”, I look at them incredulously and say, “No”.  This is the primary factor in my having literally no friends at all.  The other would be my WILD MOOD SWINGS!!!

I feel the need to share my craft with my readers, so that they might become liars as well.  It is a simple five step process.  Just remember “ROBOT”.

Relevance:  You are looking at a horse with a friend, or in my case, just some guy.  You casually say, “You know, of all the mammals in the animal kingdom, the horse is the closest descendant of the insect”.  You’d think the other person would immediately call you an idiot, but that never happens (except when someone lies to me that way).  They will want you to prove it, though.

Oddness:  Never make you lies humdrum… or any other kind of drum for that matter.  A horse as an insect is perfect because it shatters any concept the listener has of evolution, horses, insects and talking to strangers.  But, they aren’t going to let you get away with that so easily.  So, you have to…

Back up what you say:  Don’t worry, this part isn’t hard.  People want to believe in the fantastic so make it somewhat believable and entirely graphic.  You aren’t dealing with the part of the brain that thinks, after all.  “You ever see a grasshopper’s leg… how it’s bent?  Look at that horse’s back leg…”  You have to do this with the same manner as a mechanic showing you, with his flashlight, why he’s charging you 800 dollars for an oil change.  Be gentle.  Because, next you have to…

Outdo all previous remarks:  Add evidence… a lot of it.  “A horse’s rump is so hard because he has a primitive exoskeleton”, “if you look at the skeleton of a horse, you’ll see what was once wings” and “a horse actually has compound eyes, that’s why they are so skittish”.  See how easy that is?  No wonder Donald Trump is president.  But, ultimately you’ll have to…

Tell them the truth:  This way, you come off as a clever but annoying prankster.  If you let the lie stand and the person gets humiliated by whoever corrects him, he won’t want to be your friend anymore (not a problem in my case).

The point is, you have to tell them. If you don’t, you will be a liar… a real one. But, if you tell them, you are simply some passive-aggressive hulking man-child who is gleefully beating them at a game they aren’t even playing. Do it enough times and you will win their love and respect…

Believe me…

21 thoughts on “How to Lie, Lose Friends and Demotivate People

  1. Ha I fell for that on safari. Some dude said the nearest relative of the elephant was this rodent thing – like my gran’s slipper only with teeth called the rock hydrax. I called him out. Turned out he was telling the truth. Bummed me out, that did.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, that’s a downside to it all. Back when I was doing it to my coworkers, my boss put me in charge for the afternoon. A call came in to evacuate the building for a fire alarm. I got everyone’s attention, told them they needed to leave the building… they looked up, saw it was me and went back to work…

      I say… let ’em burn!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly. What’s the point of all the work you put in, huh? It’s like generals in WW1. ‘Perkins we need a pointless sacrifice’ If they couldn’t order that where was the point of all those cold baths at military school… I fear i might have lost track rather..

        Liked by 2 people

  2. My husband follows this theory. He has told me some real humdingers through the years that sadly, I occasionally still fall for. At my first hockey game he told me the guys that were coming out to smooth down the ice were actually going to dig a hole anywhere of the winning teams choice to make it harder for the losing team. One year he told me that our local pool was going to put a dolphin in it for the swimmers enjoyment. Another time he told me that Sheryl Crown broke up with Lance Armstrong because in a fight, he rolled over her foot with his bike. And he has all the details to make his lies believable. Someone finally got him a shirt that says “I’m probably lying” across it. Perfect fit.

    Liked by 2 people

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