Greek Gods I Hate Because They are Dumb

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Demeter was the goddess of nature. Her daughter, Persephone, lived in Hell for six months a year, and, for those six months, nothing grew, the weather became cold and the world was unlivable. She was depressed, morose and possibly even cutting herself. She brought her personal life to work.  I’m not saying Zeus should’ve fired her, but hire her an assistant, maybe?

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Janus was the two-faced god of doorways. That’s right: There was a goddess of home and hearth and a goddess of outside. Janus governs that infinitely small area between the two. That’s what you get when you skip “Career Day” on Mount Olympus…

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Atlas was a Titan. I was concerned about putting him onto a list of gods, so I asked the president of the internet and he assured me, after a little money changed hands, that it would be alright. Atlas held up the sky. He briefly got Heracles to hold it up while he went for apples. Heracles, no Einstein himself, tricked Atlas into holding up the sky again while he adjusted his lion skin. Someone that strong and gullible should probably be kept from the rest of society.

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Paris was a man but he was related to the gods AND he judged a beauty contest between Athena, Hera and Aphrodite. I asked the president of the internet if I could put him on the list and he said, “Hell, no!”; so, thanks to him, I just wasted your time (I’m just kidding, all hail the president of the internet!)…

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Pricus was a sea-goat and the ruler of time. I could’ve put those two things in the opposite order, but you were going to see “sea-goat” eventually, anyway. Pricus’ children wandered onto the land and transformed into actual goats. Pricus turned back time so that his children would be with him again, but when time again moved forward, his children always left the sea. So, he can turn back time but he’s powerless against fate. That’s like someone who can predict the past.

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Hestia, goddess of the hearth, home family and chastity. Talk about your mixed messages.

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Anteros was the god of unrequited love. Someone a stalker-girlfriend might pray to. He was described as looking exactly like Cupid, except he was parked across the street with binoculars…

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Tartarus was a Titan whose domain was Tartarus, the darkest part of Hades. So, he’s got that going for him, which is nice. I can’t imagine the humiliation of having to rule not only over a part of Hell, but the very worst part of it. It’s like being god of Baltic Avenue.

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Ananke was the Greek goddess of inevitability. She is who you would pray to when you wanted the inevitable to happen. She did a great job because the inevitable ALWAYS happened.

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Uranus is one of my least favorite gods… and not because of the name. As the god of the sky, he was simply the god of a direction… up. He was the god of Up. THAT doesn’t look so good on a plaque, does it? Anyway… so… yeah, it’s the name…

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29 thoughts on “Greek Gods I Hate Because They are Dumb

      1. Many of them are only mentioned once in some playwright’s work or some poem… but so much of the Greek’s literature has been lost, we have to extrapolate…

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  1. Hey hey, it’s all in the family. Janus is out for his butt bleaching. Trying to keep up with the Kardashian lifestyle of blacker blacks and wide eye whites. My mum and him used to be close. Until she tore him a new one by getting born.

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