The Super-intelligent Bio-Engineered Dog Days of August

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog:

There’s a dead body outside on my front porch.  Should I go out and investigate or just turn on the sprinklers and hope that it floats away?

Alice in Dallas

Dear Alice,

Check through the window.  If the head of the body is nearest your door, the person might’ve been killed on the way to tell you about an international conspiracy that could kill millions of people. Maybe he knew you in high school; or, maybe your porch just looked like a great place upon which to get shot. Either way, check the body for clues and if none are found, loose change.

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog:

Does listening to Ray Charles when you are pregnant increase the probability that the child will be born blind? My husband says, “yes”, but he was wrong about the Apollo moon landing, so why not this?

Laurie from Missouri

Dear Laurie,

Utter nonsense!  Ray Charles was not born blind but became blind later in his life.  It does, however, increase the probability that the child will be named “Jack” and that he’ll hit the road and won’t come back no more…

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog:

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been under siege.  It could be the new job, my angry girlfriend, relatives always asking for money or favors; or, it could be the army that is surrounding my home and setting up catapults.  Either way, I’m stymied, at my wit’s end, at the end of my rope and can no longer write Three’s Company fan fiction.  What should I do?

Roma from Oklahoma

Dear Roma,

Your job will get better, once you learn the ropes; your girlfriend should calm down as you become more relaxed; greedy relatives can be ignored; and, as long as you have stores of grain and a well, you should be able to weather any moderately-long siege.  If you don’t have a well, or stores of grain, you can often have pizza and sodas delivered.

As for your literary issues, think Chrissy and a secret admirer and it turns out to be Mr. Furley and he turns out to be GREAT at sex after all.  Afterwards, they assassinate the president of Rhodesia…

Confidential to Jane in Maine,

To do that, you’ll need at least a blow torch, because elbows do NOT bend like that…