Yoohoo: You don’t like people who are artificial and fake; however, your drink is a weak approximation of chocolate milk that has to be served ice cold to convince your tongue and your gag reflex to accept it into your body. In this regard, you are not the type to commit a cold-blooded murder; but, you ARE the type to film a cold-blooded murder and post it to your Facebook page.
Martini: You love a life of excitement and danger; on the other hand, that would involve getting out of your recliner… so you meet life half way and drink the drink of the super-spy. And, after a few martinis, your world looks more and more like Roger Moore’s Bond movies complete with hovercraft chases through Venice and killing snakes with aftershave spray…
H Two Oh: Your body is a temple and nothing adulterated is allowed in. You believe in living a healthy life free of sugars, caffeine, artificial sweeteners and any kind of fun. You also believe that your friends and relatives enjoy hearing about these beliefs…
Vodka in a Coffee Mug: There are problem drinkers and there are problem drinkers and you fall into both categories. Everyone knows what is in your mug ever since a toddler got at it and then picked a fight with the Rottweiler next door.
Green Tea: If you aren’t Asian, you have no right to drink this caffeinated swamp-water that is called “green tea”. You may have to settle for it when they put it in front of you at a Chinese restaurant like some kind of running dare; but, to make it at home and drink it on purpose is a sure indication of insanity.
Espresso: You are a no-nonsense, success-oriented barely employed bike courier or maybe you are an “outside artist”. Either way, if you don’t get chemical stimulation on the hour, you will descend into tears and madness almost immediately. Plus, you are keenly aware that the next step in your decline is caffeine powder which you’ll probably add to green tea because, as I already said, madness…
Sherry: You are slowly transforming into a weird sexless vicar who preaches in a town with the word “shire” in its name. Think of the wacky adventures you’ll watch others having…
Gatorade: Koolaid is bad for kids; Gatorade, on the other hand, my taste like Koolaid but is almost exactly the same. But, saying, “my kids drink Gatorade” fools other parents into thinking your children are physically active. It’s a lot like saying that you don’t eat squirrel but you do eat “tree-cow”…
Bleach: You are the kind of person who doesn’t like to turn the light on when you come into the kitchen in the middle of the night.
White Wine: You are a fifty year old white woman whose children have left home so you no longer have a source of pot…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
H2O prevents constipation – 2 litres per day please 😊
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I do two liters at work alone.
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R u constipated?
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Almost never… Kidney stones are why I drink that much water…
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..and there is americano, for people who want espresso for caffeine but also h2o for detox, who else but Americans
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Who else? Canadians!
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My dad was a vicar who drank sherry… You gave me a good laugh.
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I’m unduly influenced by the BBC…
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Spot on! Especially about the green tea… revolting stuff.
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I know… right? And, EVERY Chinese restaurant puts it in front of you and everyone at the table drinks it because… IT’S FREE!
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I don’t!
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Vodka in a coffee mug and tree cow gave me a good laugh 🙂
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That was how drinking was done in my ex-wife’s family… usually at the kitchen table…
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Im officially “insane” 🙂 maybe I should stick to water…
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I’ve read your works… you won’t be coming back from insanity, Ray…
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Lol 😂 you are right 🙂 but I’m working undercover next year: 1 sane work + 1 insane work = baaaalllaaannnceee! Damn it!
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Another masterpiece.
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Thanks. I’m bound to disappoint you eventually, though…
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The story of my life.
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I’ll fess up to the bleach, but what about hot chocolate?
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You don’t want to hear what I had for hot chocolate…
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Perhaps not.
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You didn’t mention beer, so I thought I’d help fill the gap with this quote:
“Beer makes you feel as you ought to feel without beer.” –Evan Esar
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Well, EVERYONE drinks beer… So, if you drink beer you are like… everybody else? No one wants to hear that…
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Everyone drinks “H Two Oh” too….well, almost everyone, W.C. Fields being the exception:
“I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.”
“I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.”.
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He was a barber in one movie and he’s shaving a guy. A dog is standing by the chair, begging. The customer says, “What’s that dog doing?” Fields replies, “It’s a funny thing… I was shaving a man just last week. I slipped and cut off a piece of his ear. Ever since then he’s been–GET OUT OF HERE!”
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I own a book titled “GODFREY DANIELS”, which contains “Verbal and Visual Gems from the Short Films of W.C.Fields” — including from the movie of which you speak, THE BARBER SHOP, in which Field plays the barber, Cornelius O’Hare. The dog scene you describe is but one of many “howlers’ in one of the funniest Fields films ever….and he made many. No one was funnier than W.C.
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That espresso and green tea statement was too close to home, dude.
(Also I used to think Yoohoo! was a drink made up in the TV show Daria…)
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Yoohoo is a thing in the southern United States. Kind of like an egg cream with out the carbonation…
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That sounds…unpleasant.
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That was a great a priori assessment…
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