Expected Reviews of My Book

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One Star  An Affront to God and Some of God’s Friends

What can I say?  I found his prose to be cloying, his plot points lacking and his client not guilty by reason of insanity.  I found his metaphors on species to be labored and his metaphors on labor to be specious.  The book is horrible on all counts making it the best satire I’ve ever read.

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Two Stars:  Did Not Enjoy the Experience

Now, some of this might not be the author’s fault; but, while reading his book on the train, I got into an argument with a dwarf, who, I found out, prefers the term “little person”.  He suddenly kicked me, although he prefers the term “foot-punched”.  My day was utterly ruined; whereas, his day and the day of the two teenage girls I was leering at were probably made just a little better.  On reflection, the assault and subsequent applause wasn’t the book’s fault, but the book made little effort to stop it, either.

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Three Stars:  Good and Bad

On the one hand, this book is well-written; on the other hand, it is TOO well written.  I didn’t feel comfortable reading it without a tie.  The characters are interesting and compelling; however, the bulk of the interesting characters are killed at the end of the first chapter by a city-sized boulder with the words Deus Ex Mechina inscribed on it.  The ending was surprising because a character who is supposed to be dead, comes back and because the last chapter is written entirely in Finnish.

In short, I’ll probably never buy a copy of any future books this author writes but I’m open to buy more copies of the books I already own.

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Four Stars:  So Bad that it’s Great!

I read this book over Spring Break after my composition teacher recommended it as an example of how NOT to write.  It was HILARIOUS!  It was even better while high.  He uses the word “slovenly” twelve times in ONE paragraph despite the fact that he clearly doesn’t know what it means.  One of his sentences is four pages long and, at the end of that sentence, you find out that the sentence was “all a dream anyway”.  If this had been marketed as a deconstructionist novel, the author would be teaching at Harvard right now with a Nobel in Literature under his belt.

I actually met the author and he was a class act.  He promised to stop punching me if I promised to stop pointing and laughing.  Later, he autographed my girlfriend’s right breast even though neither of us really asked him to…

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Five Stars:  A Miracle of a Masterpiece of a Literary Standard by a Writer Who I Clearly Don’t Know

This book changed my life, in many ways for the better.  It’s a sweeping epic with themes so universal that they probably transcend the universe, language and time itself.  Anyone who says that this is a “fine” book deserves to be beaten to death with a burlap bag full of oranges.  The Oxford Dictionary should hold an emergency meeting to come up with an adjective strong enough to describe how great this masterwork is.

I look very much forward to reading beyond the first five pages…

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28 thoughts on “Expected Reviews of My Book

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