Thoughts on Salad and Other Household Poisons

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Salad is defined as a cold mix of green leafy vegetable combined with other raw vegetables… except when it isn’t… then, it’s defined as a mix of cut up foods mixed with a dressing… except when it isn’t.  The best rule of thumb is, if you are eating it and wishing you were eating something else, it is probably a salad.

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This is because salad might have stuff in it like Belgian endive… a bitter vegetable which is reminiscent of searching your pocket or purse in the dark and popping what you think is a Tic Tac into your mouth and finding out it is an ear-plug.

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Or, a Caesar Salad manages to sneak raw egg and a piece of stinky old fish into the leafy vegetables.  And, if that isn’t wretched and Dickensian enough, they garnish it with little crusts of bread.

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Egg Salads are basically what you get after partially digesting breakfast.  The paprika is sprinkled on top to distinguish it from any actual vomit that might be lying around.

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Weirdly, most people my age have been given canned fruit salad as a child.  For those not in the know, canned fruit salad is ten percent delicious peaches and cherry halves and ninety percent awful canned grapes.  There’s a reason that Libby’s doesn’t sell cans of grapes… eating canned grapes are like eating someone’s eyes but without the satisfaction of knowing you are blinding someone…

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People eat salads for “roughage”, which is a way emptying out your colon to make room for more roughage.  If you stop eating it, your body purges once more and the resulting vacuum sucks your thyroid into your groin.  It’s like a heroin addiction except there is no high… just sadness…

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Salad has been eaten since the dawn of civilization… mostly by livestock…

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Ambrosia is a fruit salad with marshmallows, pineapple, sour cream and coconut.  It is often given to someone as a house-warming gift and is just as often used to test the garbage disposal in the new house…

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The name “taco salad” sounds a lot healthier than “gargantuan taco”.

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Cobb Salad is lettuce, blue cheese, bacon, chicken, tomatoes and avocado, served at your table unmixed with dressing on the side.  Essentially, it is Ikea’s version of a salad… comes with an allen wrench…

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24 thoughts on “Thoughts on Salad and Other Household Poisons

  1. Ambrosia salad. If ever a dish was diabolically misnamed , this is it. My late MIL brought it to every family gathering… and was usually the only one who ever ate it. Nectar of the Gods my ass.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I had a Jerry Maguire moment: “You had me at the title.” No other writing was necessary, I was already laughing. Although the garbage disposal was a super plus addition 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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