The Ugly Truth about Vocalists

Until the nineties, singers were very very ugly…

I’m not sure if someone discovered a vaccine for ugly or some designer-virus was created to wipe out ugly singers. I do know that, after the eighties, all the male singers had chiseled faces and bodies and 3.8 days of beard growth and the females were just moppish waifs whose only allure was that they gave me the opportunity to use the term “moppish waif”.

Sure, I might be lying… and/or intoxicated, but think about it: The only difference between the Rolling Stones and gargoyles is the Stones aren’t standing on top of a cathedral. Scientists determined that Alice Cooper was five kinds of ugly… not a record but definitely the most for most years. Janis Joplin looked like a mud fence that had been pain-stakingly built out of slugs and dead birds. Meatloaf was as ugly as green snot on a wedding dress. The only beautiful vocalist from pre-nineties was Ann Wilson of Heart. But, she noticed, panicked and then ate herself into obesity. Problem solved!

The horrible thing is that I’m uglier than any of them… except Johnny Cash, but that goes without saying…

But, I think music needs to be a little ugly. Do you think the Ramones would’ve had the same impact had they all looked like Chris Pine? Would you feel the same pain that Billie Holiday felt if she hadn’t looked like something that needed to be ironed? Most music was an expression of pain… and, before the nineties, the addition of “… and I am also ugly” was implied. It was imperative that you not feel that the singer’s pain was somehow less than your own.

But, like all things musical, that has changed. Now, singers are glamorous and beautiful. They are the kind of people that you wouldn’t mind taking to your parents if there was a chance their bodyguards wouldn’t beat you to the ground and step on your throat when you asked. Thirty years ago, a voice was enough. People would hear it and fall in love with the voice and thereby, the singer. But, all the talented voices you could ever want are as close as your computer or, in the olden days, your record store. If you want something unusual… a unicorn… look no further than me…

The sound that comes out of me when I try to sing is one hundred percent unique… and, I’m prettier than Johnny Cash…