Space Invaders: When the attackers come, they will come in orderly rows because only the most anal-retentive species can master interstellar travel.
Pac Man: He eats and he eats and he eats and it never ever takes away the pain. And, as a bonus, the ghosts of everyone he’s ever consumed will eventually drive him to madness.
Ms. Pac Man: A close cousin to to Pac Man but doesn’t have his depressive nature. So, why does she eat continuously? Bulimia. Legend has it, if you make it to level one hundred, there is an animated depiction of Ms. Pac Man vomiting violently for thirty seconds, then sobbing quietly for another minute.
Frogger: The frog travels across a busy highway and a crocodile-infested river only to fall into a box and freeze, probably until that time when they find a cure for being a frog.
Q*bert: You move up and down a geodesic triangle, dodging snakes and debris falling from the sky. It’s like mountain climbing next to an airport. I played this game for three hours on a single quarter, once. It is difficult to find an accomplishment where you simultaneously feel a sense of accomplishment and waste…
Missile Command: It is satisfying to destroy nuclear missiles in flight; but, eventually you will fail, millions will die and their ghosts will haunt you forever. How should you cope with that? I hear overeating works.
Asteroids: A triangle in space shooting and dodging irregular octagons. The Shape of Things to Come.
Centipede: You kill just one centipede per level but you can’t just squash it under your boot. You have to kill it a little at a time. If it makes it to the bottom, you will die… and you deserve it, you monster…
Mario Brothers: Two Italian brothers in a sewer fighting and dying from heroic battles with turtles, crabs and moths. An indicator as to why Italy did so poorly in WWII.
Donkey Kong. A plumber rescues a woman from a giant ape. Why a plumber? I’d imagine they sent a soldier first, then a policeman, then a hunter, a commercial artist, a fry cook and THEN they tried sending a plumber.