The Snow Leopard and the Perfect Murder

[Thanks to Deb for the photo]

There was once a snow leopard who was in a very abusive marriage. He’d come home from work and say, “Hi, dear! How was your day?” and she’d respond, “What the HELL do you mean by THAT?”; and, then she’d hit him with an adjustable wrench for fifteen minutes.

He came to the realization, one day, that most snow leopard husbands were not lashed for sneezing; and, most snow leopard husbands were not set on fire for using the letter ‘r’ on a day when his snow leopard wife was just not up to hearing it. He knew he was abused and it had to stop. So, he plotted a murder… the PERFECT murder.

First, he had to get rid of any motive. So, he took up sports that would leave the same kind of injuries and he subscribed to magazines such as S&M Quarterly and Hurt Me. He told his friends that his marriage was better than ever. He even bought his wife a new adjustable wrench to beat him with.

Then, there was the body. He had a plan for disposing of that but how to allay suspicion when she just disappeared? That was easily solved when the snow leopard got a PhD in genetics and built a cloning machine; and, got a doctorate in neuro-biology and created a brain scanning device. He cloned his wife, froze the clone, then passed on the wife’s cellular memories to the hibernating clone. One day he realized that he was ready.

He walked in the door and said, “Hi, dear! How was your day?”. His wife responded, “What the HELL do you mean by THAT?” and she reached for her adjustable wrench. But, before she could get to it, the snow leopard grabbed a fireplace poker, the favorite weapon of perfect murderers, and did her in. Then, he dissolved her body in acid, dissolved that acid in some stronger acid, poured that acid into the ocean and had the ocean burned to the ground. The poker he sent on a long around-the-world cruise, so it couldn’t be questioned.

Then, he awakened his wife’s clone. As the clone was coming out of hibernation, a homicide detective came by the house and told the snow leopard that, of all the homes in his district, his was the least likely to have had a murder committed in it. He shook the snow leopard’s paw and gave him a certificate and left. He’d done it! He’d committed the perfect murder.

Then, he turned to his late wife’s clone and said, “Now, we have the rest of our lives, darling”

The clone replied, “What the HELL do you mean by THAT?”

Moral: The more things change, the more they suck in exactly the same way