Random Thoughts, Part Infinity

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I hear it was the best of times again right after that, but I was in the shower and missed it.

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Horses have no hands. But, their heights are measured in “hands”. This means that no horse knows exactly how tall he is.

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My lucky number is infinity, which is pretty cool; but, it doesn’t do me any good at the roulette table.

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When we were children, my mother always wanted us outside. We were outside so much that, when my school asked me my address, I told them “the front yard”.

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I don’t judge a man by height but by his deeds… deeds like winning at basketball and reaching things on the high shelf…

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A prisoner was about to be executed in a furnace. He asked the executioner how hot it was. The executioner replied, “It’s six hundred degrees Fahrenheit or three hundred degrees Celsius”

The condemned said, “I’ll take the Celsius, please”

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My only quirk is that I don’t believe in Norway. It just sounds like something that someone might have made up.

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The tiny acorn eventually becomes the mighty oak. Many years after that, the mighty oak pees when he sneezes and breaks a hip showing his grandkids a cartwheel.

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I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine. About halfway through, I realized I didn’t have enough money so I crawled out the bathroom window and left him there. Boy was he mad! But, we’re okay now because I promised to take him out for an expensive lunch. He isn’t very smart….

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Mother’s Day is a sham. Why celebrate someone who was only nice to you because, if she wasn’t, she would’ve been arrested?