[Old stuff that I’m clearing out of my queue]
If you round out the number of languages he speaks to the nearest integer, it comes to zero.
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He went to a Friar’s Club meeting because he was expecting tempura.
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He locked his keys in his car and had to break a window to get out.
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He went shark fishing with a friend and the friend said, “You have to throw your chum into the water” so he drank a bottle of nail polish remover.
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At the DMV, he failed the written portion of the driving test so badly that he isn’t allowed to even RIDE in an automobile.
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He went to take an IQ test and, instead, he got lost in the men’s bathroom.
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He carefully read War and Peace, cover to cover, and complained he understood none of it… and he wouldn’t even try it again with an English-language version.
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He thought “unconstitutional” was a synonym for “laxative”…
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When he plays tennis up against a wall, he lets the wall keep score.
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He can “pass” for medically brain-dead, should the need arise.
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He buys half-price lottery tickets from the previous week…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
This collection is hilarious!! I enjoyed reading it… my favourite has to be “He went to take an IQ test but he got lost in the bathroom” 😂
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Thank you! I have about sixty pages of half-finished stuff and stuff I don’t have much confidence in. That came from that pile. It’s nice, when you are writing essays, to have a list of insults to choose from.
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….and then there’s the ambitious ignoramus who bent over backwards to be stupid.
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Who will remain nameless…
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Breaking the window to get out…an instant classic.
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Thank you, George!
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Good list! I like the ones mentioned but also the War and Peace one. Very clever!
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Thanks, Robyn… I couldn’t decide if I’d worded that one well enough…
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Now I want to make tempura…
(Also that lottery ticket was a real good one!)
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I was just talking to my friend about making tempura. The batter is so simple it’s ridiculous…
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And the scraps can be used for things like okonomiyaki! 😀
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Half price lottery tickets sound like a great bargain.
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Plus, you’ll already know whether you won or not. That’s a great feeling!
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Takes the stress right out of the experience.
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