How I Know I’m Not Pure Evil

Snidely Whiplash | Blog for Chumps

I have no desire to dominate the world. I just want to destroy it.

֎

If I were pure evil, I’d have already indicated so on my Tinder profile.

֎

Given a choice between an act of altruistic good and unspeakable evil, I will always perform the act nearest to where my car is parked.

֎

Pure evil people have maps of the world in their studies with pins indicating their next target. I DO have a map in my study, but the pins indicate where the nearest Taco Bells are.

֎

Pure evil people have henchmen who break legs and blow up orphanages for evil purposes. Yes, I also have henchmen who break legs and blow up orphanages but mine do it for benevolent reasons.

֎

It must bother purely evil people to have no empathy but WHO cares what THEY think?

֎

The worst you can say about me is that I am amoral. I once rushed into a burning house to save three children but, while I was in the burning house, I dropped off two other children. On the whole, I’d say it ended positively by one child…

֎

If I were pure evil I’d know it because I’d be a lot more successful.

֎

The only evil I’ve ever aspired to being is a necessary evil like chard or brassieres.

֎

I WAS once pure evil but I got injured and had to get a blood transfusion from a Peace Corps worker. I was still pretty evil but I had a strong compulsion to dig wells in Africa.

12 thoughts on “How I Know I’m Not Pure Evil

  1. On a scale of one to ten, where the scale is still intact on the rattlesnake, you would be a 4 Charles, and that’s only because you’re keeping Terse Llama in the basement where she’s studying the eradication of chipmunks quite diligently 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I always loved the part in Perry Mason when the murderer would break down on the stand and say, “Yes, John Criley was an evil man. Yes, I hit him on the head with the candlesticks. And yes I took the body and threw it off a cliff. And then I poured six tons of stinking garbage on his broken bones and lit the garbage on fire…but I didn’t mean to kill him! You’ve got to believe me! It was an accident. I only meant to scare him!”

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s