Betty's Birthday Cake -

I’m touched.

Thank you for remembering my birthday! Sure, my birthday was actually two months ago, but thank you for remembering that I have a birthday at all. The card you sent was great, along with the request for a loan until next Monday. That’s called “multi-tasking” and it is beautiful…

As for your lovely gift, my normal response would be, “You shouldn’t have” but, since I’m not sure what your gift is, I’m not sure whether or not you should have. One of my friends thinks its a tool of some sort; another thinks it looks like something shoplifted from an art supply store. My son’s been using it as a bottle opener, but he uses practically everything as a bottle opener. If you want to give me the perfect Christmas gift, say in April, I’d really like A HINT.

You threw me a wonderful birthday party, I’ve been told. I’d have preferred it if you’d invited me, but I know you’re a private person and wanted to celebrate my birthday alone… with twenty of your closest friends. I hear you raised a glass to me at the end and then did a rather unflattering impersonation of me. But, THERE IS NO BAD PUBLICITY. In case you were under a false impression, I WAS free that day… celebrating my birthday as I always do: Googling famous suicides.

And, thanks for the cake. Maybe I never got a piece but I did see it on your Instagram page. It was beautiful! I do spell my name “C-h-a-r-l-i-e” and not “B-e-t-t-y”, but how would you know that? Both are valid spellings. I hear it was a coconut cake which was great for a party I wasn’t at because I HATE coconut. I tell my boys what kind of cake to get me when I’m not going to be there and they spend the afternoon browsing cheap nursing homes. But, you’ve been a true friend in the most ambiguous sense of the word.

Again, I am touched. And, I look forward to next year’s birthday. Gotta go… your birthday gift to me just cut my hand open and I’ll need some paper towels…

17 thoughts on “Touched

    1. It’s funny… I always regretted not seeing topless girls at rock concerts. Then, I took my boys to a ten-hour thrash metal festival and I DID see a topless girl. She was probably thirty-five years younger than I was. It was kind of a let-down because I felt more worried about her safety…


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