Abstract: As shown in Parker, Weiss, et al[1]; Franklin, Rodman[2]; and, Ribbit, Ribbit and Hopp[3], liver function values, many of which were found in a discarded nylon stocking, can be mapped against elapsed time measured in drams and plotted logarithmically to form a straight line with a slope of delta-G over the number of times a horse has stepped on my foot. Jimbaum and Hart[4] disagree; whereas, the study by Weird and Chapdt[5] doesn’t take a side in the matter and instead changes the subject to the weather or baseball.
A control group was created by beating egg whites until frothy then baking in a low oven. Half the group was given a placebo and the other half was given half a pint of placebo-flavored ice cream. Using continuous brain wave measurement, researchers were able to conclusively identify those in the control group who were manikins. Some of the subjects vomited. Others looked as if they were about to. We ended the experiment quickly with the promise that we’d see each other again in twenty years if neither of us were “attached”.
Fluctuations in the levels of active bile-producing hormones was measured, recorded and then forgotten about as quickly as possible. Each subject was then administered 50 cc’s of a morphine solution as were the researchers and some of their friends. The final data set produced a curve more like that predicted by Hoff and Pauf in their groundbreaking Complex Linear Analysis and the Women Who Enable Them. A further study was made by Pierce, Stabb and Blede[6] in an off-Broadway production of South Pacific.
In conclusion, the liver function data points can easily be fitted to a second order polynomial or a third-order polynomial if we used pliers. The control group had one third fewer cavities but those cavities were not in their teeth. Would recommend more research into this topic, preferably with dump trucks of government money.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Now this is strange Charles, just plain strange. It reminds me of a Kitty rollerblading down a steep embankment headed for an old abandoned quarry
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She can swim???
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No 😳
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A gall bladder cavity is better than one in your tooth. At least you can still eat candy…..
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Yeah, but if you have a cavity in your gall bladder, your body squeaks when you sit down…
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Mine creaks now, I probably wouldn’t know the difference.
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When I am scrolling through my feed in the morning I can usually always tell which post is yours as you always have a picture that stands out as your featured image. The liver threw me off today – but the post was as funny as always! I sure would like to get my hands on a copy of Complex Linear Analysis and the Women Who Enable Them. And maybe 50cc’s of that morphine too just for funsies.
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I found out that morphine makes me itch after a trip to the ER for a kidney stone. They gave me something more powerful than morphine after that. I might’ve itched then too, but I really didn’t care…
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Great Scot, this merits absolutely no more government funding–and lots of it!
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I’ll fill out and then destroy all the relevant paperwork!
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Would have loved to have seen that South Pacific production. And the Show Boat revival featuring Ol’ Man Liver…
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Old Man Liver supposes
That he might get cirrhosis
Who da thunk
There’d be consequences for going to jail and getting drunk…
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