Abstract: As shown in Parker, Weiss, et al; Franklin, Rodman; and, Ribbit, Ribbit and Hopp, liver function values, many of which were found in a discarded nylon stocking, can be mapped against elapsed time measured in drams and plotted logarithmically to form a straight line with a slope of delta-G over the number of times a horse has stepped on my foot. Jimbaum and Hart disagree; whereas, the study by Weird and Chapdt doesn’t take a side in the matter and instead changes the subject to the weather or baseball.
A control group was created by beating egg whites until frothy then baking in a low oven. Half the group was given a placebo and the other half was given half a pint of placebo-flavored ice cream. Using continuous brain wave measurement, researchers were able to conclusively identify those in the control group who were manikins. Some of the subjects vomited. Others looked as if they were about to. We ended the experiment quickly with the promise that we’d see each other again in twenty years if neither of us were “attached”.
Fluctuations in the levels of active bile-producing hormones was measured, recorded and then forgotten about as quickly as possible. Each subject was then administered 50 cc’s of a morphine solution as were the researchers and some of their friends. The final data set produced a curve more like that predicted by Hoff and Pauf in their groundbreaking Complex Linear Analysis and the Women Who Enable Them. A further study was made by Pierce, Stabb and Blede in an off-Broadway production of South Pacific.
In conclusion, the liver function data points can easily be fitted to a second order polynomial or a third-order polynomial if we used pliers. The control group had one third fewer cavities but those cavities were not in their teeth. Would recommend more research into this topic, preferably with dump trucks of government money.