Stuff I’m Good at

Given a choice between two slow-moving lines at the grocery store, I will always manage to choose the line with anthrax.

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My shins can unerringly find any coffee table in complete darkness.

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I can make my grandma’s famous Million Dollar Salmon Dip… Note: It is famous because of all that botulism afterwards.

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I’m great at choosing my words carefully and professionally; and, when I actually speak, at mumbling and stammering.

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I do well at breaking complicated jobs down into simple steps and then failing to accomplish any of the simple steps.

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If someone has problems, I can be a compassionate ear… provided they ignore the rolling of my compassionate eyes.

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I can always find the unpopped popcorn kernel that will cause the most expensive dental work.

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On any topic, I can write ten quips, three of which are hilarious, five of which are more or less acceptable and two of which are comedy abominations.

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I can make any AKC-registered show-dog into a sandwich but only after it’s been bread.

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I can make up really bad puns, as well…

Bonus Bad Joke: “We know the terrorists have three pieces of luggage: Two expensive and very new, one of them old and worn out with a broken handle. If they put the device into the worn out piece, it’ll be too common to stand out and the bomb will probably go off, killing thousands”

“Good lord!”

“Relax, that’s just the worst case scenario”