Bulgaria Facts

The name Bulgaria is derived from the Proto-Turkic word bulģha meaning “to stir”; just one more reason not to let proto-Turks name anything important.

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The last tsar of Bulgaria was Simeon II, who was exiled in 1946. He came back as Prime Minister in 2001 but left in 2005 because they’d turned his bedroom into a “sewing room”…

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During World War Two, Bulgaria joined the axis, but refused to help Germany attack the Soviet Union. They stripped Jews of citizenship but refused to deport them to the camps. So, they weren’t even good at being evil, it seems.

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Bulgaria’s flag is a green stripe above a red stripe. When you get a chance to design your nation’s flag and you settle on two-stripes, that’s like going to the ice cream parlor after your grandmother tells you that you can get two scoops of whatever you want and you choose vanilla and a second scoop of vanilla.

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As a member, at some time, of the Axis, the Soviet Bloc, the European Union and NATO, Bulgaria is, what historians call, a “joiner”…

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Bulgaria, unlike most other nations, is LOSING POPULATION. This is attributed to low birth rates, high mortality, and a steady migration flow because those three things encompass all possible reasons for losing population… except vampirism and two people merging to form one bigger person.

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Bulgaria’s coat of arms is two lions standing around a third lion. It is indistinguishable from EVERY OTHER COAT OF ARMS EVER MADE. You might ask yourself, “Why a coat of arms?”. The coats of arms were symbols for specific families so you didn’t have to go to the trouble of spelling them. This increases name-recognition among the illiterate; plus, if they ever bring hieroglyphics back, you’ve already got your symbol ready… otherwise, you might get “person with a bird head” like everyone else…

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The first Bulgarian Empire started on 681 after a treaty with the Byzyntines. Commemorative t-shirts were issued shortly thereafter. It ended in 1018 when the population couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to take out the trash.

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The second Bulgarian Empire began after a revolt against the Byzyntines in 1185 over a car being parked across someone’s driveway. Their final ruler was Ivaylo, a swineherd who led the expulsion of the Mongols. He was overthrown in 1280 due to his implementation of a mandatory all-swill diet.

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Bulgaria’s chief exports are refined copper, pharmaceuticals and quiet despair…

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The patron saint of Bulgaria is John of Rila, known for having wild animals freely approaching him and birds flying to perch on his finger. In stained glass, he is often depicted obsessively washing his hands.

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The national instrument of Bulgaria is the kaba gaida. It resembles a bagpipe made from objects you might find in a janitor’s closet. There’s an old expression in Albania, “A wedding without a bagpipe is like a funeral.” not taking into account that EVERY wedding in Bulgaria is like a funeral.