[Sorry ’bout last week. I caught the norovirus]
Make your front porch into a giant glue trap. You will definitely catch porch pirates as well as postal employees and that smart-assed mouse that keeps getting into your saltines.
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Put a video camera above your front door and rig it so that when the thief takes your package the camera will fall on his head.
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Glitter-bombs are not recommended because, in a few cases, the thieves were mistaken for male strippers and the resulting tips were enough for them to live comfortably for months.
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When using mail-order only buy heavy things that cannot be taken easily like a six-pack of bowling balls or Nathan Lane.
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Or, only buy things that can defend themselves. If that makes you think of Bob’s Discount Mamba and King Cobra Emporium, you are definitely twisted and have my respect.
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Paint your porch the same color as the wrappers and no one will know there’s a package there… even you.
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Theft is the result of the capitalist system imposed on the bourgeoisie by the proletariat. With two pulley wheels and a ball of twine create the grass-roots movement for a communist revolution, freeing the working class from their own self-imposed morality forced on them by organized religion. Take a pamphlet?
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There’s a special circle of Hell just for people who steal packages from people’s property and it involves burning, disemboweling and decapitation but is also the circle of Hell nearest the bathroom so it might not be an effective deterrent.
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Put up a sign near your porch. “Leave fecal samples at door”
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Purchase a P. O. Box so your packages can be sent to the Post Office; then, you simply drive to the Post Office to pick up those packages you purchased by mail-order because you wanted the convenience of having them delivered to your door…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I concur with the glitter bomb ban. We had woodchucks working the bird seed pole for weeks after ours deployed. It’s not a good look….
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Plus, woodchucks are one of the few species of mammal that can’t twerk…
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And not for lack of trying.
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We have a lifesized cardboard James Dean on our porch. It has scared a few people away and so far no one has asked for its autograph.
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Do NOT feed that cardboard cutout into a document shredder or it will scream, “You’re tearing me APART”
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Don’t worry. He’s safe. I have to pass him on to my sister when she turns 70. He has been traveling for decades.(Started with 50th birthdays, and my brothers are >80.)
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Just don’t drive around with a cutout of Jayne Mansfield… You’d just be askin’ for it…
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I’m glad you’re better! I’ve been sick the past 3.5 weeks…trying to rid of the last bits of it. Being sick blows.
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Did you get the “long covid”?
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Not that I’m aware of. I tested negative for COVID. Whatever it is, I’m sick of it.
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I hope you feel better regardless of who the bad guy is…
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Thank you! I am getting there!
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Ohmygosh, I love this! Our neighborhood chat is always posting security videos of people stealing their packages and saying how frustrated they are about it. May I share this with them?
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I love this! May I share it in our neighborhood chat? People are always posting videos of thieves stealing their stuff and complaining that they can’t stop it. (I’ll let you know if anyone follows any of your suggestions.)
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(Sorry. Thought the first time got deleted. 🙄)
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Of course you can. You’re a long-time reader and I’d be proud to have you repost elsewhere.
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Thanks!
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