Fish in the Sea, Listen to Me

There are plenty of fish in the sea, my friends told me every time I broke up with someone; but, at this point my friends point out that any sea can be over-fished and maybe, if see a fin out of the corner of my eye, I should grab it and hold on. My friends are fools who, like the Ingalls family, have settled. I’m not looking for a perfect woman… just one you can’t easily distinguish from a perfect woman…

My first serious girlfriend had hooks for hands, which I didn’t mind except for those EXCRUCIATING back-rubs. She was a virgin on alternate days. Something made me uneasy about my girl. After six months of research, I was pretty sure that my girlfriend and I were related. She protested that it didn’t matter; but, I replied, “Eventually, people will find out, mom”

Next, I dated a woman with “a past”. I found out she’d been a stripper after becoming suspicious when I noticed she could get undressed eleven percent faster than the average woman. I suspected her past was shady when I found out she had to check in with her parole officer to leave the state and her pimp to leave the block. I still thought that I could reform her but gave up when I woke up one morning without my wallet and one of my kidneys.

I had a short term relationship with a woman named, “Bea” because I didn’t get along with her dog. Some dogs get possessive and can’t warm up to a well-adjusted male with a sense of humor and a joy buzzer.

The most stressful relationship I’ve had was with a woman named “Susan”. She called me a “doormat” which I didn’t mind until I’d remember all those times she’d wiped her shoes on me. She told me I was too dull. I refuted that quickly with at least fifteen examples of myself being exciting… then I noticed she’d fallen asleep while trying to cut her own wrists… We fought a lot over money: One of us felt it was a necessary but artificial construct to maintain the financial health of a nation and alleviate the drawbacks of the barter system; the other felt that an extra forty cents for the good corned beef hash wasn’t going to put us into the poor house and IF YOU DON’T STOP COMPLAINING I’M DRIVING THIS CAR INTO A TELEPHONE POLE, I SWEAR TO GOD!

The worst was when I found out my girlfriend was a werewolf and would change forms with the full moon; I had to break things off with her because my neighbors got tired of their cats being eaten every thirty days. Nearby sheep have had their throats ripped out; and, three people from the neighborhood have disappeared. I’m terrified beyond belief; but, I still sleep with her because I am a man after all…

Plus, she looks perfect…