I Don’t See the Glass as Half-Empty

Capitalist: I see the glass as a marketable pessimism-detector. Republican: I see the glass as lazy and not living up to its full potential. I will no longer support this half-full glass and its Islamic/Hispanic friends with my tax dollars… Salesman: I see the glass as twice as good as a quarter full. Lawyer: I […]

I Haven’t Been Wasting My Life! I’ve Been…

Building a collection of pig embryos that look like famous sumo wrestlers. Recycling children’s tricycles into weapons with extraordinary killing power. Teaching dogs to play dead REALLY well, then collecting the insurance. Writing a book about a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the elite live underground and write stories about a post-post-apocalyptic future where bands of motorcyclists […]

Ten Signs that You Might Be Too Passive, Maybe?

They took your red stapler. You feel that the rock in your shoe is “God’s will”… Your sexual technique is such that your spouse refers to you as “The Blow-up Doll”. In most of the drawings that your children make of you, you are smaller than everyone else and being killed with a fly-swatter. Your […]

Works that I Worked on that Never Worked Out

A fictionalized account of the Bible where random people talk like Joe Pesci. For example, Solomon glared irritably from his throne, “So, I like, have a crown, so I’m here for your amusement, is that what you’re saying?” A book of critical literary essays. The first essay would criticize John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row. The second […]

I know Dr. Vile is Evil Because…

What you see below is a comedic riff. You take an idea and try to riff on it a certain number of times. I choose ten times because that’s how many fingers I have since the surgery. I’m inviting my readers to add their own. You can ping-back my site and use the hashtag #VILEHUMOR, […]