Works that I Worked on that Never Worked Out

A fictionalized account of the Bible where random people talk like Joe Pesci. For example, Solomon glared irritably from his throne, “So, I like, have a crown, so I’m here for your amusement, is that what you’re saying?”

A book of critical literary essays. The first essay would criticize John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row. The second essay would criticize the first. The third would criticize the second and so on until the final essay which will be literally PERFECT!

A self-help book that teaches the reader how to trick others into helping him.

A novel that uses a tense that no one has ever used before: Past pluperfect present tense: She thought back to the day that she resolved to remember today sometime in the not-to-distant future…

A gut-churning look into the life of a poor, degraded and beautiful young woman and the horrors she had to live through, the socio-economic reasons for her plight and the exciting underwear she wore.

My spiritual journey from computer programmer to someone who writes books about spiritual journeys.

A pocket-sized coffee table book featuring bull mastiffs wearing Civil War headgear. I regret this one not taking off because, to create it, I used up my last favors with the American Bull Mastiff Society and have to help them the next time they move.

A how-to book on how paraplegics can accomplish home repair. Chapter One: “Putting your plumber on speed-dial”. Chapters Two through Five: “Self-reliance throughout history and why it is overrated”…

A non-fiction heart-warming account of my eleven months as a veterinarian in rural North England. The charming people, their farm animals and my eventual arrest for impersonating an animal doctor.  You should probably skip the chapter on the stillborn calves…