They took your red stapler.
You feel that the rock in your shoe is “God’s will”…
Your sexual technique is such that your spouse refers to you as “The Blow-up Doll”.
In most of the drawings that your children make of you, you are smaller than everyone else and being killed with a fly-swatter.
Your dog sees you as a beta; moreover, your child’s guinea pig sees you as a beta. Blow-up dolls see you as a peer…
Your speech has modifiers to soften what you say. Example? “It’s probably a difference of opinion, but I’m not sure what you did was entirely warranted” to the person that just vandalized your car…
Set adrift, you tell the others on your lifeboat that they should “go ahead and eat you” despite the fact that there is plenty of food and you can clearly see Miami’s skyline from where you are…
You take the position that both sides have merit even when the stated philosophy of one of the sides is to hit you on the head and take your wallet and car…
You attack your own opinion before anyone else can. Eventually, you end up sounding like a character in a 1930’s Fu Manchu movie: “Please forgive insignificant man for poor and unworthy opinion but I think white paper recycling bins should be in the copy-rooms”
You’ve given your spouse total power of attorney and a remote control that, when activated, turns your pacemaker off…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Now that is cruel. Give the person back their red stapler
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Relax. It’s not as if he’s going to burn down the building…
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Another great list and smile – loved the one where you tell the others on the lifeboat to eat you. Made me laugh out loud 🙂
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Based on a true story, Robyn. I’m just happy that calmer heads prevailed…
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Moral of the story from my point of view: Never surrender control of your remote control, whether you have a pacemaker or not.
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A remote control is as important to a male as his best buddy and the two hairy backup singers…
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I am so passive that I have, on more than one occasion, became aware of people trying to put a toe-tag on my toe. Even my arguing with them that it wasn’t necessary did not convince them.
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You may tell them you’re alive but they’ll think of it as “gas escaping”…
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It has been said that we are but vapor ….
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That last one though, made me lol. Power of attorney and remote to turn off pacemaker. I had to plagiarize this one…
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It isn’t plagiarizing if I say it’s okay. Ha! Outsmarted you!
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Ha!
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It helps that my first paid writing gig was as a ghost writer…
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