Channeling Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly baby… when I was born the nurses put me in an iguana habitat.

And, I went to a tough school. It was so tough, they had to use Navy Seals as elementary school teachers; so tough, they bused felons from the state prison to scare them straight.

I got beaten up a lot in school… a lot. In fact, if you beat me up enough times, it counted as P. E. credit.

And, we were a poor family… so poor. We couldn’t afford to give my sister a baby shower, so we just took her to a store and distracted the staff while she shoplifted what she needed.

And, my brother was always using drugs… a lot of drugs. He used so much weed that, if he got cut, smoke came out instead of blood.

My sister was no prize, either. She saw a sign once that said, “Free Nelsen Mandela” and she’s STILL waiting for someone to give her a Nelsen Mandela.

And, my mom was a gambler… gambled all our money away. She bought so many lottery tickets that they named a school after her. She spent so much money at off-track betting that they offered to move the track there. She said that she loved me most but she could get better odds on my brother…

My dad was angry… so angry. He argued with a wax statue of Ronald Reagan because it wouldn’t defend “trickle-down economics”. He punched a guy in a bar once and someone produced a picture of it in court. He punched the picture and the guy who took it. His blood pressure was so high, his eyes exploded… although that may have been because he was punching them at the time…