St. John’s Eve

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On St. John’s Eve, bonfires are built to repel witches and evil spirits and to attract moths and firemen…

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Salome caused the death of John the Baptist by dancing for him and then, in lieu of a tip, asked for the Saint’s head to be delivered to her on a platter. Of all of the martyrdoms in sainthood, this is probably the only “death by vengeful stripper” one. The stained glass depictions would be AMAZING!

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In Denmark they put witch effigies over the bonfires as a loving tribute to the killing of witches and heretics with fire. Note that this isn’t unsettling at all…

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St. John’s feast day commemorates his birth, unlike most feast days which commemorate the saints’ deaths. Because no one wants to explain to their child what a stripper is while out watching fake witches being burned over bonfires…

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It is traditional for women collect medicinal herbs on St John’s Eve including St John’s Wort, which is an herbal anti-depressant with almost no side-effects due to the fact that it has literally no medicinal value.

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Divining rods should be cut on St. John’s Eve so that you might find subterranean water, dig wells and draw water to put out the fires associated with next years St. John’s Eve.

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The symphonic piece, Night on Bald Mountain is set on St John’s Eve and depicts evil spirits world running amok throughout the countryside.  Eventually, a church bell rings sending Donald Trump back to the White House…

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In parts of Ireland, to celebrate, a dish called “Goody” is consumed. Bread cooked in milk and spices. People who’ve tried it guarantee that it is marginally better than fasting.

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In Sweden, they celebrate St. John’s eve by eating pickled fish, dancing around a Maypole and having depressive sex. Oddly enough, this is how Swedes celebrate most occasions.

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Coincides with Summer solstice, much like Christmas coincides with the Winter solstice. Makes sense that the day we receive gifts and drink eggnog is the shortest day of the year; whereas, on the longest day, we pick weeds, eat soggy bread, put out random fires and eat pickled fish…

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6 thoughts on “St. John’s Eve

      1. I was there without my wife because she was on a trip. I kept thinking, “She’s just going to look like anyone else when she’s not stripping”. When she finally showed up, she looked like… a stripper…

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