I Give You All Manner of Silverware Etiquette

A good rule of thumb is to use the silverware furthest from your plate first. This is usually the shrimp fork at the plate of the person at the table near the kitchen.

A salad fork has longer tines and a shorter handle than a dinner fork. This allows the diner to comb his hair before the main course.

If you find that your dessert spoon is carrying more food than you can comfortably put into your mouth, you are probably eating with a spatula…

The only fork to go to the right of the plate is the oyster fork because it is the only utensil used to stab and devour a living creature.

Americans hold the fork in the right hand until they need to cut something, then the fork is put into the left hand for the cutting and put back in the right for eating what was cut. Europeans just keep the fork in the left hand. Over a lifetime, the American way burns enough calories to allow us an extra Altoid on our death bed.

Soup spoons should be used from the back of the bowl towards you and also sharpened into a shiv if you are having your meal in a prison or jail.

All the utensils for a formal meal are laid out before the meal is served. Any unneeded utensils are omitted. So, if you finish your meal and you find a piece unused, you are eating wrong.

A study showing a direct correlation between the value of a person’s silverware and that person’s sexual attractiveness would really be appreciated by those who make and sell silverware.

Science has shown that it is nearly impossible to eat a cheetoh with a knife and fork.

When eating soup, tap the bottom of the spoon on the rim of the bowl before bringing it to your mouth, to avoid drips. When eating dessert, use the fork, in the left hand, to cut the dessert and push it to the spoon which is in your right hand. Bring the dessert to your mouth on the spoon; in fact, if you look as if you are mocking an obsessive-compulsive, you are probably following proper etiquette.