I Go Dark: Rioting Tips

5,000 National Guard troops activated in 15 states, DC amid ...

The first rule of rioting is, make sure there are a lot of people around you who are also rioting. If it is just you, you aren’t really rioting… just acting like a nut.

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Dress appropriately: If the riot is about the military firing on civilians, avoid attending the riot in your dress blues.

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Wear Eye Protection: You never know when the police will use tear gas or if you will be asked to spot weld something.

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If You Are Being Carried by the Crowd: Try to stay on your feet. If you see a fat guy, ride him to the next open area… or all the way home if he’s going that way.

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If You Hear Gunshots and Explosions Outside: Stay away from the windows. If you hear gunshots and explosions inside, stay away from the doors. If you hear gunshots and explosions in the room you are in and then you hear someone telling you that Pepto-Bismal soothes your stomach, you just left the television on.

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If You are Driving and See a Crowd of Rioters in Your Way: Do not stop. Do not drive through them. Your best move is to offer to give some of them a ride to a different part of the riot.

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Rubber Bullets: Are a lot like Nerf guns except they are more like real bullets.

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If You Fall to the Ground During Crowd Movement: Roll to the nearest wall to avoid being trampled… unless that’s your fetish… In that case, ENJOY!

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If Confronted By the Police: Do exactly what they say and try to look as white as possible.

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If Looting Starts: Lift with your legs, not your back. Avoid piano stores and granite countertop stores…

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