Musical Instruments I Hate

Images Of Musical Instruments 1 - 739 X 415 - WebComicms.Net

[Sorry… I didn’t have anything particularly good to post and this one has been collecting dust…]

Harpsichord: Listening to a harpsichord is like listening to regular music while crockery is being broken over your head. “I don’t think the organ was powerful enough for this concerto. Let’s play it, instead, on this giant wind-chime”

Tuba: Okay, you’ve composed a great piece of music, why not perform it on an unwieldy instrument no one can lift that sounds like hippopotamus flatulence…?

Piccolo: A silent dog-whistle turned into an instrument. If I wanted to listen to tones that no standard speaker could reproduce, I’d date Cyndi Lauper…

Trombone: There’s a reason they have notes… because we DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO THE STUPID FREQUENCIES BETWEEN THE NOTES. With a trombone, you get to see all the ugly sides of music, from C sharp to a few random hertz above C sharp to D minor and a half…

Bassoon: Because of television animal documentaries, a bassoon always makes the think the arrival of a penguin is imminent. I hear that their droppings are nearly impossible to clean up and I really don’t need THAT stresser in my life now do I?

Ukulele: It is the term “weak-ass guitar” brought to life. A guitar “baby” that should’ve been smothered in its cradle. Instead, they are played by morbidly obese Polynesians and hipster girls on Youtube.

Violin: I can understand blowing to get music; and, as a man, I can understand hitting things to get music; but, rubbing things together? That’s practically obscene. The bow rubs against the strings for an entire concert and I have to sit there knowing that the violin and bow are probably having a better time than I am…

Snare Drum: Every classical piece needs what sounds like a machine gun somewhere in it. Otherwise, the uncle of the kid who plays the snare drum is going to stop his checks and the orchestra will have to get real jobs. Same goes for that little snot that plays the triangle…

Harp: A piano, without the resonance and tonal quality. People think of the harp as having a dream-like sound but that’s only because listening to it traumatizes us so much we have nightmares about it.

Xylophone: The xylophone is the Stepford Wife of instruments. It only has one emotion: Happy. Have you ever heard a dirge or requiem played on a xylophone? Okay, the reggae version of Taps… but nothing else.

Lutes: Actually, I don’t mind lutes so much but I HATE lute-players. They have abnormally long, thin fingers like E.T. or that alien in the Aliens movies. A back-rub from a lute player is like being beaten with a rake. They can strangle a rhinoceros with one hand. If they want to tap you on the shoulder, they have to do so from the other room. I could go on…

21 thoughts on “Musical Instruments I Hate

  1. For me, it is the recorder. Every teacher that has sent my child home with one of those is on my list. I listen to my child blow for hours before they put it down and I can hide it. The problem I found was, I hid them on top of stuff. The kid got older and taller – I was forced to pull out my list and put two marks against the teacher that sent those darn things home.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I forgot about the recorder… even the good ones sound off-key…

      My son is taller than I am, at this point; so, if I want to hid something, I put it low… or next to the cleaning supplies…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you didn’t include the Snoozaphone among the musical instruments you hate, because it’s named after John Philip Snooza, The March King whose music was so rousing that there was no better cure for insomnia until Lawrence Welk came along.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. So, you’re like my son… He’s just going to bed when I’m getting up. It’s like that sheepdog and coyote in the Warner Brothers cartoon…

        “Morning, Ralph”
        “Morning, Ed”

        Like

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