Thoughts on Autumn

Autumn leaves don’t fall, they fly. They take their time and wander on this their only chance to soar; then, we rake them up, stuff them into plastic bags and send them to the dump to get incinerated.

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Fall is the time of year when those who can afford it put themselves into medically-induced comas until that time of year when the food industry stops putting pumpkin spice into everything.

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According to a study by the University of Chicago, children born in Autumn live longer and are better students. So, if it’s September 20^th and you are feeling labor pains, cross your legs and keep the baby in until the 22^nd… FOR YOUR BABY’S SAKE!

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On the Autumnal Equinox, Druids go to Stonehenge to play music, tell ancient tales and find someone to loan them a few Euros until they can find a job with a company that doesn’t “judge them so much”…

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Levels of testosterone max out for both men and women in the Fall. Biologically-speaking, this was the time of year early humans would pair up, breed and fight about which family they were going to visit on Christmas.

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People who live on the equator never experience Autumn. They will never know the joy of sleet.

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Every leaf speaks bliss to me,

fluttering from the autumn tree.

“I love fall!”, the fellow utters,

who can pay someone else to clean his gutters…

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At the Autumnal Equinox, it is customary for Chinese to eat “moon cakes”. All Chinese desserts should be avoided but moon cakes most of all. With “salted egg yolks”, “lotus paste” and “golden syrup”, it sounds more like something your six year-old daughter would create on her toy stove to feed to her pet unicorn…

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Libras start being born at the Equinox. Libras are whiners but with a lifetime of birthdays with pumpkin-spice lattes and moon cakes in their future, can you blame them?

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A road covered in wet autumnal leaves can be dangerous. If you find yourself losing traction, turn into the skid. That way, everyone in your car can get a good look at what you are about to crash into…