A Baby Emu Chick Answers Your Psychic Questions

Dear Baby Emu Chick,

I recently had a minor fender-bender in which I tapped the car’s bumper in front of me; and, then I ran over the driver as he got out to investigate. I didn’t kill anyone in any serious way, so I’ve chosen to represent myself; and, if there is anyone else in the courtroom who needs it, I’ll represent them as well. Is there a magick talisman I can create that will ensure that I win in court.

Legal Eagle

Dear Eagle,

Yes, fashion an image of Anubis out of lawyers and cover that with money. It worked for O. J. Simpson.

♦

Dear Baby Emu Chick,

I recently found out that my husband and I are incompatible, astrologically. Apparently, he’s a Virgo; whereas, I’m a Scorpio…so when his Venus is in the house of Taurus, my Mars will be in the house of Aquarius, which is twenty minutes away by car. I’d like to sue him for divorce, but I can’t afford to build an effigy of an Egyptian god out of attorneys. Is there a simple solution that doesn’t involve my accepting the fact that astrology is nonsense?

Wits End in South Bend

Dear Bent,

Certainly! I sell an aroma-therapy candle that will change a person’s astrological sign in about three hours. I myself was born a Cancer, but had myself changed to Sagittarius. Has that changed my life? Well, I’m a baby emu chick. I live in a nest and the food I eat is vomited out of my mother’s mouth, so I don’t have many options.

♦

Dear Baby Emu Chick,

I live with my Father-in-law and he gives off a LOT of negative energy. He gets mad no matter what I do… from using his credit card to selling heroin out of his garage. Just so negative. I tried burning sage, wearing crystals, copper bracelets and flea collars on both ankles, but he still complains that I eat all of his food and don’t clean up after myself. What do you recommend?

Shiftless in Ft. Wayne

Dear Wayne,

There’s an ancient Egyptian rite where the subject, freshly bathed and in his finest raiment, finds a job. The ritual continues with the subject gratefully thanking his benefactor and culminates in the moving to his own apartment. Try that. If it doesn’t work, I have an aroma-therapy candle that might help.

♦

Dear Baby Emu Chick,

I recently determined that I am an empath. I told my family and friends about it recently but I’m still not sure how they feel about it. I’ve tried burning sage, crystals and making Egyptian gods out of lawyers and money but I still cannot get any of them to return my phone calls.

Missing the Joke in Olympia

Dear Missing,

I’m sorry but you should know how I feel about empaths…