Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineering Super-intelligent Dog: The Early Years

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineering Super-intelligent Dog,

I feel that people do not love me no matter how much I spit on them. What should I do?

Missing Out in Boise

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Dear O. Boise,

If you’d treat people as you want to be treated, with respect and affection, they might not mind being spat upon.

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineering Super-intelligent Dog,

My wife doesn’t want me to drive just because I don’t have a license. She knows I’m the better driver, especially if we ignore the times I rolled our car into a ditch. This argument is even affecting us in bed because sometimes I drive through the exterior wall and crack our headboard when I lose track of the brake. Advise, please!

Emasculated in Emporia

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Dear Emasculated,

Tell her that scientists have determined that men are better drivers than women because they don’t take crap from anyone. Explain to your wife that cars are more comfortable on their backs. If she complains, drive over your mailbox if you haven’t already.

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineering Super-intelligent Dog,

My family is upset with me because I want to quit my job and raise chickens. They think it’s a bad move but I think I’d be great at it just as soon as someone tells me what chickens eat and what they are used for. How do I convince them?

Following My Dream in Dover

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Dear Follower,

If you want to persuade people, you need to reassure them… by which I mean, “lie through your teeth”. Tell them a lot of wealthy people started out by raising chickens. Then, just name whoever comes into your head… They aren’t listening to you anymore anyway.

Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineering Super-intelligent Dog,

It’s 70 B. C. and I’ve been captured by Roman Centurions. They addressed us while looking for Spartacus and everyone around me shouted, “I’m Spartacus!” so, I did the same and they immediately pointed at me and said, “He says he’s Spartacus” and sentenced me to be crucified tomorrow. Meanwhile, the real Spartacus plea bargained to banishment and time-served and is nowhere to be found. What are my options at this point?

Thracian From Another Nation

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Dear Thracian,

Well, you might embarrass them by laughing and saying publicly, “You really thought I was Spartacus! Hilarious!!! Do you realize how stupid you guys look crucifying an innocent man… hysterical!”. It’s possible that they will cancel your crucifixion and just kill you with a rock. Oh, and forgive the lateness of my reply…