I’ve never pulled off the perfect con; in fact, I’ve never even been able to convince anyone that I’m actually sick when I call in sick.
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I’ve never finished my version of Duchamp’s Nude Descending a Staircase because I can’t convince anyone to take off their clothes and walk down my stairs.
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I’ve never figured out why I’m a fatalist… probably never will. Maybe that’s just my destiny…
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I’ve never sailed across the Atlantic Ocean in a little sailboat with only myself to depend upon and no sight of land on any horizon for weeks. Thankfully, I have friends that can talk me out of doing that.
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I’ve never moved like a ghost through the criminal underworld spreading terror and chaos. If I had, it would’ve gone straight into my yearly Christmas letter.
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I’d like to one day try a different career such as billionaire or movie star.
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I’d like to skateboard before I die… just not immediately before I die.
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Before I die, I’d like to tell my children that I love them and do so with a straight face.
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It would be great if I could learn the differences between Burgundy and Merlot or the differences between Pinot Noir and hand-sanitizer…
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I’ve never been on a blind date. I almost went on one but her seeing eye dog and I didn’t get along.
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I’d like to stalk and kill a grizzly bear because I secretly think that they are responsible for the high cost of salmon. But, if I’m successful, I’ll drive up the price of grizzly bear meat and I’ll be everything I hate… except chard…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Brain surgeon sounds like a likely career choice, or astronaut or dog trainer 😊
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Well, I used to give lobotomies to dogs so that they’d still bark but they wouldn’t be very enthusiastic about it…
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Now that made me laugh. You should check out Does Beau Know? It’s kind of a melding of those two topics 😄
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I need more details…
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Damn those bears and their appetite for fish. So who do I blame for high cost of cereal?
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The Trix rabbit.
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In my working days, calling in sick was synonymous with “She’s faking it.” Even hurling on the boss’s desk was met with, “You’re fine.” Just to be clear, I never did the hurling thing – but if I did!
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I’m not sure I’ve ever used a sick day when I was actually sick… When I’m sick, I go into work because, if I take a turn for the worse, I’d like a lot of people around to take care of me…
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You may be a procrastinator, but because I like you, I’ll assume that beats being an anti-crastinator.
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I’m a lamont-cranstonator, meaning I’m just a shadow of my former self.
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….and you know it! Hahahahahaha.
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I, too, am a failure at most of these things.
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You’re a mother. That let’s you off the hook…
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You’re a father.
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Yeah, that and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee…
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