[The Twelve Steps are a construct of Alcoholics Anonymous, for those of you who are not Americans]
- Admit you are powerless over alcohol and that nothing will keep you from drinking… even Alcoholics Anonymous.
- Believe in a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity… and that power is Dr. Phil.
- Turn your will over to God as you understand him… unless God, as you understand him, wants you to be an alcoholic.
- Make a fearless inventory of yourself. After you are done, note any missing organs… for tax purposes.
- Admit the exact nature of your wrongs except for those that were “kind of a blur”; in those cases, admit the approximate nature of your wrongs and where you woke up afterwards.
- Ask God to remove those character defects. If God won’t, ask him to give more defects to the people around you so that, by comparison, you look better.
- Humbly ask that your shortcomings be removed including addiction, genital size and the crappy neighborhood you are living in.
- Make a list of the people you harmed sorted by the likelihood that they’ll loan you money.
- Make amends to those people, their pets and the potted plants that you soiled in the throes of your drunken deviance.
- Take a second personal inventory just in case some of the things missing from the first inventory were found later under a heavy box in the attic.
- Improve your relationship with God; for example, ask him if he’s lost weight…
- Pester others about the twelve step program. Be as persistent and obnoxious as you like because, if you cross any lines, just add them to the list of people you harmed and make amends to their pets and potted plants.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I think you got it in a nutshell Charles 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
What you call “nutshells”, I call “home”, NP…
LikeLike
That made me laugh, I did really think I should have referenced beer nuts given the topic 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I consider it a badge of honor that I have never defiled a friend’s ficus.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep the bar low!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know why we aren’t turning to Dr. Phil with all of our problems. He could fix everything!
LikeLiked by 1 person
My life changed utterly after I grew a Dr. Phil-style mustache…
LikeLiked by 1 person
We have Alcoholics Anonymous here too. I don’t think The Twelve Steps are purely an American thing. My brother has been going to AA meetings for years now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My explanation was more for my Asian readers…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliantly funny…but hey! You’re stepping on some big toes here! Not mine, but someone’s…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I briefly considered that… but, like a Soviet grocery store, what’s there is there, George.
When are you going to write some more?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Uh, good question. Shows interest. Motivates me. Reinforces my own delusion beliefs. Provides confirmation bias that writing is time well spent. Well, coincidentally, I’ve been gearing up for another episode…I just gotta take a deep breath and do it. I must ignore or climb over the the wall of “Why?’ in order to begin. Thanks for asking.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel like I just lit a fuse…
LikeLike
Have you ever seen the movie 12 ANGRY MEN? Each man followed one of AA’s 12 steps, thinking it would save each of them from doing all 12, and would work just as well. Needless to say, they were disappointed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Which step was the right-winger with the knife near the end? Making amends?
LikeLiked by 1 person
More fun than the original, that’s for sure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, but that’s a low bar, Jack…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bar? Did someone say bar?
LikeLiked by 1 person