Dinosaur Parks

Universal’s Islands of Adventure: Conveniently located in Orlando, Florida… our nation’s sucking chest wound. Their motto: “Heroes, beasts and magical creatures are all made real”. You will know what it is like to whitewater raft down a dinosaur infested river while a six year old vomits most of his ice cream cone down the back of your shirt. Paleontology COMES ALIVE!!!

Dinosaur World: Not Jurassic Park, but an incredible ripoff. Maybe not the best place to see American Primitive versions of dinosaur statues but, as they emphasize on their web site, they are DOG FRIENDLY… so watch your step if you go there. Conveniently located between Orlando and Tampa which is good because no one had been using that space.

Paulton’s Park: Located in Hampshire, England… convenient to anyone living just on the outskirts of Hampshire, England. Not only are there animatronic dinosaurs but also a section called Peppa Pig World. Peppa Pig cartoons are essentially South Park with fewer usages of the word “shit”.

Styrassic Park: The best thing to happen to Austria since the plague. It is family-run and the dinosaurs are “true to life” meaning you’ll be able to get lots of funny photos of your girlfriend posing with reptile testicles.

Dinoland Zwolle: Conveniently located in the Netherlands, I found it on the list of “41 Things You can do in Zwolle” just before “hanging yourself in the hotel room closet”…

Cedar Point: Anything any other state can do, Ohio can do it slightly worse. This amusement park has a Raptor roller coaster which has killed one man, making it the safest thrill ride in North America.

Edaville Family Theme Park: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you a railroad museum theme park, add some animatronic dinosaurs and make it a visit that the family will remember until they get back to the hotel and start arguing over the tiny shampoo bottles. Remember, each dinosaur has a Boston accent that is so irritating, it will cause a man’s testicles to pull into his body cavity. For women, the sound will cause a nearby man’s testicles to pull into her body cavity so WEAR SLACKS, LADIES!

The Dinosaur Place: Yes, there are fifty life-size dinosaurs but, more than that, there is a vast maze for your children to wander around in while you find a liquor store nearby. Located in Connecticut, which is convenient for anyone who was going that way anyway.

Field Station – Dinosaur: Forty dinosaurs… which is more than you ever thought you’d find in Kansas. They also have a maze but there is more incentive to find your way through because it exits into a beautiful modern world that isn’t Kansas.

Dino Roar Valley: Proof that you don’t have to leave the state of New York to have a good time. Sure, if you do leave, you’ll improve your odds of having fun markedly; but, Dino Roar Valley is proof that it is possible to have fun in the state of New York. This park is located near the clear waters of Lake George, voted Best Place to Dump a Body for three consecutive years.