Your deadbolt can be easily kicked in, no matter how sturdily it is built. For the best protection, get rid of all of your doors and get into your home through a series of rope ladders.
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If you are going to be away for a week or so, put some of your lights on timers. If someone is casing your house, he’ll see that you always turn the living room light on at exactly six thirty and you turn your kitchen light off at nine-thirty without fail. He will think you are a dangerous obsessive compulsive and avoid your home.
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Also, if you are going to be away, have your mail delivery stopped. For real peace of mind, when you get back, don’t bother starting it again.
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If you catch a burglar in your home, coax it outside with a rolled up magazine… unless it is larger than a spider; in that case, throw your rope ladder at him.
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Owning a dog adds security to any home. If you are going away for a week or more, put the dog on a timer.
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If you get a knock on your door and, when you answer it, the person acts confused and nervous, he might be a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home. There is also the possibility that you are in the wrong house and that person is the owner.
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When you do go up to bed, electrify your floor; but, make sure your dog is either in your room on its kennel because a healthy dose of current might short out the dog’s timer.
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If possible, have a “panic room” in case a burglar breaks into your home and has an anxiety attack…
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The best firearm to keep near your bed? A starter’s pistol. Your family can’t kill itself with it and, if you and the burglar decide to settle things with a sack race, you’re all set.
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There are inexpensive alarms that will go off if a door is forced, a window is opened or if one of your household forgets and steps onto the electrified floor at night.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
You’ve got us in tears here Charles, though I’m worried about the dog … and the sacks
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Sack races are usually done with sturdy potato sacks so they’ll be fine, NP.
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I’ll sleep better knowing that 😄
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Excellent ideas all. But how do I convince the burglar to only steal my husband’s crap?
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Hire your own burglar. I’m sure Craigslist has a bunch of ’em…
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I have two neighbors who leave their porch lights on when they go on vacation. I always feel like that is the biggest tell to “Come rob my house! I am not home!” If your porch light is on during the day for an entire week – c’mon. I mean, if I was a robber, which I am not, but if I WERE – I know which houses to get and when. Unless they have those electrified floors….
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A porch lot on all the time says to burglars, “I have money I can waste. Imagine what security devices I have inside”
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Rope ladders seem like too much trouble. If you have a large tree in your yard, try tying a long rope to a high branch and leaving an upstairs window open when you leave the house. If you don’t get the hang of what I’m suggesting, watch an old Tarzan movie.
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If I watch Tarzan, I find myself lusting after Maureen O’Sullivan… I think it’s the voice…
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“Your deadbolt can be easily kicked in, no matter how sturdily it is built. For the best protection, get rid of all of your doors and get into your home through a series of rope ladders.”
BONUS: Get your workout in on the regular, particularly on grocery shopping day.
EXTRA BONUS: You’ll have to keep your brain sharp so you can figure out how to move your furniture out when you sell it.
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That’s why I never move anywhere without my trusty orangutan…
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I need to get me one of those.
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