It’s best to shoot someone with their own gun so it cannot get traced back to you. If your victim doesn’t have a gun, buy him one.
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Don’t burn off your fingerprints with acid, because the police will be looking for someone who burned off his fingerprints with acid and there aren’t very many out there.
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In most murders, the butler did it. So, if someone asks you to bring them a drink, tell them to “go to Hell”…
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Choose a murder weapon that will give you a head start on that insanity defense if you get caught. I recommend beating someone to death with a fifty pound sack of powdered gravy or stabbing them to death with a frozen duck.
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Establish more than one alibi, in case your first alibi fails. If you give the police three alibis, they’ve GOT to believe one of them…
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Lead slugs are easily traced using ballistics. Make your own ammunition using peanuts instead of slugs. Not only will it confound ballistics experts, but, if an elephant wanders by, he might eat the evidence. If neither of those things happens, you can still use it in your insanity defense.
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Most murder victims knew their killers so, if you have to commit murder, kill someone you’ve never seen before. There’s less chance of getting caught and you get to meet new people.
DO hide the body in a deep deep hole; DO NOT hide the body in a ball pit at a Chuck E Cheez…
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Remember to leave the body in a room locked from the inside… unless you’re a topologist. Then, leave the body on a Mobius strip… or inside a Klein Bottle…
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If you poison someone out of revenge, make sure the poison is not so fast acting that the victim dies in the middle of your gloat monologue.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Very useful advice Charles. When I don’t kill someone with a frozen bagel I’ll refer to your list 😄
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The police always check for bagel crumbs, NP.
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Really? Oh, plan 2
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EXPLODING MICE!!!
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I like the peanut bullet and mobius strip ideas. It’s nice to break up the monotony.
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I’m not liable for anything your might do, right?
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I always give credit where credit is due….
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I just finished a book with the LONGEST gloat monologue. She even quipped, “I think I have just enough time to tell you everything – now don’t go dying on me before I’m done!” The book was so darn predictable, I could have given the gloat monologue. I guess it would be good practice! Just in case and all.
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It’s funny, Robyn. I wrote the above over the weekend and just this morning I saw a scene from the movie Nobody where Odenkirk is giving a gloat monologue and then notices his audience has bled out.
I’m not even sure “gloat monologue” is the right term.
I think you’d give a wonderful gloat monologue. Remember though, if you quote someone during, CITE YOUR SOURCE. You don’t need to add plagiarism to murder…
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There’s a Roald Dahl story where the wife hits her cheating husband over the head with some frozen lamb which she then cooks in the oven and feeds to the unsuspecting police officers investigating the incident.
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It goes back further than that, Joanne…
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There is one exception to the butler truism:
the exception did it.
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And, the exception proves the rule… which, to this day, is the most confusing adage I’ve ever heard…
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It’s not an adage, it’s a rule. Which is it’s own exception. Which means it isn’t. Now I’m confused. And why do I have to prove anything to you, who doesn’t know the difference between a rule and an adage? But I’ll make an exception for you.
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