Why I Shouldn’t have been at the Birth of My Child

Infant - Wikipedia

Considering the intensity of labor pains, being at the birth of my child violates my number one rule: Never be with your wife when she has carte blanche to tell you exactly what she thinks of you.

The sound of the episiotomy made my skin crawl. When I think about it, I cross my legs in pain and I don’t even have a vagina.

I keep expecting the baby to come out yelling, “THIS… IS… SPARTAAAAA!”, which is weird because I’ve only seen it happen once before.

If I show up for the first seconds of my child’s life, he’s going to expect me to be at his birthdays and little league games.

The miracle of birth is always immediately followed by the mundane bloody horror that is the afterbirth.

When the baby crowns, it looks like the eye of a blind cyclops. My baby was born okay, but I had six months of cyclops nightmares to contend with.

At childbirth, the mother should be the center of attention. If I’m there, I might draw attention to myself, ruining her overall experience.

If I’m there, the doctor may ask me to help with the birth… or, even worse, to comfort the mother.

You might screw up as a birthing coach and tell her to breathe in when she should be breathing out and out when she should be breathing in. That’s got “lawsuit” written all over it.

Just after birth, the doctor smacked my baby’s behind. I felt obligated to take a swing at him, even though I suspected he was just doing his job…

10 thoughts on “Why I Shouldn’t have been at the Birth of My Child

  1. Having attended four of my children’s births, I really understand these sentiments. Missed two because they were Caesarian, but the last one of our six, the doctor allowed me to be at the Caesarian birth, if we promised to stop having children!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Lucky you. 19 1/2 hours with my first. 6 with the second and most of them I was alone. My mum wouldn’t look after my son, she was going to the casino, so my husband couldn’t be there until the last 30 minutes

        Liked by 1 person

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