Snow Safety Tips That Are Kind of Flaky

I-95 in Virginia packed with stranded motorists after winter storm

When shoveling snow, if you feel tightness in the chest or dizziness, STOP IMMEDIATELY… unless you enjoy tightness in the chest or dizziness.

*

If it is severely cold, dress for it. How do you know you are dressed properly? You won’t be able to move your head or arms; and, if you fall down, you’ll have to lie there like a turtle until someone hears your pitiable cries and helps you to your feet.

*

Only shovel light powdery snow. If the snow on your sidewalk is wet and heavy, try to trick your spouse or children into shoveling it.

*

Clearing the snow from your roof can be dangerous. If you can, hire a professional to remove the snow because, if anything happens to him, he won’t be missed.

*

If you use a snowblower before eight o’clock in the morning, wear a kevlar vest because your neighbors WILL try to shoot you.

*

Remember to keep a bag of kitty litter in your trunk in case you get your car stuck in the ice or you buy a cat with diarrhea…

*

Stock food that you can eat without cooking or refrigerating in case the power goes out. Ideally, it should be magic food that also keeps you from freezing to death.

*

If very cold weather is coming, bring your dog and cat indoors; any pet polar bears you have to be let outside.

*

If you are walking on ice, remember to take short steps. If you slip and fall on the ice, remember that someone is probably getting a good laugh over it.

*

Do NOT shovel snow if you have a history of heart disease or randomly beating people to death with snow shovels.

18 thoughts on “Snow Safety Tips That Are Kind of Flaky

  1. “Do NOT shovel snow if you have a history of heart disease or randomly beating people to death with snow shovels.”

    What if you time things just right and have a fatal heart attack as soon as you finish beating someone to death? I mean, at least you’ll die knowing you got away with murder… (I’m just joking, FBI agents…)

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s