So, There’s a Spider in Your Bathtub

How To Keep Spiders Out Of Your Home - Southern Perimeter

First, identify the spider. This can be done with either a naturalist’s guide to wildlife or by checking the tattoo in the small of the spider’s back.

Remember: There are only two kinds of poisonous spider in the United States. There’s the very distinctive black widow with an almost metallic looking body with a bright red hour-glass; and, the brown recluse, a spider that pretty much looks like every other spider in existence.

Keep a second broom around the house to kill any spiders standing on your first broom.

Taking a spider outside is simple: Put a drinking glass over the spider; carefully slide a playing card under the spider; take the spider, card and glass outside; quickly remove the card and let the spider fall the twelve inches before its web catches it and swings gently onto your arm; then, turn, scream, trip and fall into your azalea bushes.

Keep a third broom around the house in case you have a spider standing on your second broom.

If the spider looks identical to one you squashed last week, it is probably a ZOMBIE SPIDER. If it is, grab your three brooms and abandon your home.

A simple way to rid yourself of a bathtub spider is to put a little mirror next to it. The spider will approach the mirror, see that it is losing its hair and run off to buy a sports car and join a gym.

Keep a tarantula hawk in your home to control spiders. No word on what controls tarantula hawks…

If you try to drown a spider in the bath, it definitely won’t hide in the shower curtain until you get into the tub and then hide in your hair until you fall asleep and then lay eggs in your ear. It won’t do that, but you sure will WORRY that it will do that.

If the spider does bite you, apply ice to the wound, elevate your feet and spend the rest of the day watching television and eating Doritos. You’ve been waiting for an excuse to do that anyway…

20 thoughts on “So, There’s a Spider in Your Bathtub

  1. Reminds me of a bachelor friend of my parents who let spider webs grow throughout his apartment because he thought they were beautiful. Of course he also watered the weeds that grew through holes in his floor, and walked his cat on a leash. Probably better to get rid of them before it gets that far.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was definitely a PSA for my wife (and she read it). A true story – I went to bed early for some reason. Then awaken by a vacuum cleaner operating in the bedroom. My wife was sucking in a spider because she didn’t want to wake me up. For the record, we operate a Tarantula Hawk rescue ranch.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. In our house, we have jumping spiders which jump so fast, it’s hard to catch them with a bucket, much less a drinking glass. I suppose I should buy a bigger bucket, but I never get around to putting it on my list.

    Liked by 1 person

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