First, identify the spider. This can be done with either a naturalist’s guide to wildlife or by checking the tattoo in the small of the spider’s back.
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Remember: There are only two kinds of poisonous spider in the United States. There’s the very distinctive black widow with an almost metallic looking body with a bright red hour-glass; and, the brown recluse, a spider that pretty much looks like every other spider in existence.
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Keep a second broom around the house to kill any spiders standing on your first broom.
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Taking a spider outside is simple: Put a drinking glass over the spider; carefully slide a playing card under the spider; take the spider, card and glass outside; quickly remove the card and let the spider fall the twelve inches before its web catches it and swings gently onto your arm; then, turn, scream, trip and fall into your azalea bushes.
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Keep a third broom around the house in case you have a spider standing on your second broom.
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If the spider looks identical to one you squashed last week, it is probably a ZOMBIE SPIDER. If it is, grab your three brooms and abandon your home.
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A simple way to rid yourself of a bathtub spider is to put a little mirror next to it. The spider will approach the mirror, see that it is losing its hair and run off to buy a sports car and join a gym.
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Keep a tarantula hawk in your home to control spiders. No word on what controls tarantula hawks…
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If you try to drown a spider in the bath, it definitely won’t hide in the shower curtain until you get into the tub and then hide in your hair until you fall asleep and then lay eggs in your ear. It won’t do that, but you sure will WORRY that it will do that.
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If the spider does bite you, apply ice to the wound, elevate your feet and spend the rest of the day watching television and eating Doritos. You’ve been waiting for an excuse to do that anyway…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
You’re lucky, we have so many spiders here 🕷
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So do we, but only two are slightly deadly…
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You need to visit Charles. I’m home tomorrow, suspected covid 🙄
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Are you vaxxed?
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I was thinking that!! How do you sleep (after showering)??
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You kind of get used to them 😁
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I just researched the tarantula hawk and was quite disappointed to discover it’s just a wasp. Thought I’d finally found an excuse to have a bird of prey as a pet. Damn.
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There are always falcons. They’d sure take care of your squirrel and woodchuck problem…
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I love spiders, though one bit me on the foot once. I let them live in my home and they help get rid of all the nasty bugs.
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Same with me. I never kill spiders…
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Reminds me of a bachelor friend of my parents who let spider webs grow throughout his apartment because he thought they were beautiful. Of course he also watered the weeds that grew through holes in his floor, and walked his cat on a leash. Probably better to get rid of them before it gets that far.
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I let spiders live, destroy their webs and, if I put something around a cat’s neck, you don’t want to see what happens next…
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This was definitely a PSA for my wife (and she read it). A true story – I went to bed early for some reason. Then awaken by a vacuum cleaner operating in the bedroom. My wife was sucking in a spider because she didn’t want to wake me up. For the record, we operate a Tarantula Hawk rescue ranch.
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I thought the only reason wives used vacuum cleaners was to wake us up…
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You now know a second use.
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In our house, we have jumping spiders which jump so fast, it’s hard to catch them with a bucket, much less a drinking glass. I suppose I should buy a bigger bucket, but I never get around to putting it on my list.
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What about the wolf spider? We need more to worry about!
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They do look scary but they are really no more dangerous than a shark or a tiger…
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How many sharks and tigers do you have in your bathroom?
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