Literate Insults

California Sea Lion - Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens (LA Zoo)

He speaks English like an auctioneer on Quaaludes and Novocaine.

I could build a better man out of marshmallows and shame.

Her voice is as soothing as the sound of a smoke detector being beaten with a sea lion.

He’s a laughing stock in a bear market.

Her feet are so big that she wears sleeping bags for socks.

His hair is so perfect that you almost fail to notice the slack-jaw and the drool.

She’s softened over the years and now gives her coworkers a running start before she starts stabbing them in the back.

She was the girl of my dreams… especially that dream about the bitter arrogant and stupid woman with whom even brief social interactions feel like a thousand eternities in Hell served concurrently…

He understands any problem well enough to know the exact time to take credit for solving it.

In the McDonalds of life, he was the dollar menu… with a warm soda and no ketchup.

6 thoughts on “Literate Insults

    1. Sadly, the last Filet o Fish I had was right before a very nasty bout of stomach flu… I’d also eaten half a jar of maraschino cherries. It was a very liquid thirty hours and I associated that sandwich with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved.” –Russell Lynes (1910-91)

    The above quote must be literate because Mr. Lynes, former managing editor of Harper’s Magazine, was (according to the N. Y. Times) “a Renaissance man and one of America’s foremost arbiters of taste and mores” (which, of course, has to place him second only to Donald Trump as the Renaissanest man in American history).

    Liked by 1 person

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