So, Your Power is Out…

Hazards of Lightning on Power Lines -

You are sitting at home, reading a book, or, to be more honest, watching a rerun of M*A*S*H and eating half a layer cake, when everything goes dark. Power outage! But, you CAN survive is you remember to do the following:

First, make sure you didn’t just blow a fuse. Check your fuse-box. If you don’t know what that is, it’s that metal cabinet on the wall of your basement where your teenager hides his liquor and drugs.

Now that you’ve established that YOU’RE not the problem, report the outage to your power company. If you’ve forgotten who your power company is, just check online. If you are some kind of FREAK who has the power company number memorized, make the call. You won’t get through, of course, because nearly a billion others are calling, many of them on purpose. Do you think you’re the ONLY one to read these tips???

Next, inventory your food. Like what can be eaten raw and from the freezer. What canned goods can be grilled. What leftovers can you take out of the refrigerator and eat right away. Gorge yourself on those, first. Remember though, that you have a family… so CHEW QUIETLY so they won’t hear you eating all the food.

If you have no food, and there are other people in your home, you can substitute a filet knife and a bottle of chloroform. And, this is important! Do not light candles! They are a fire hazard and someone might assume you are goth… or worse, Jewish neighbors might see the candles and assume Hanukkah has snuck up on them and rush out to buy sensible gifts for their nieces and nephews… Use flashlights for light. If you can’t find your flashlight in the dark, use a candle to find it. If you don’t have candles, ask your neighbor…

Conserve any battery power you have on your smart-phones because, if the outage lasts more than a few hours, you will need that smart-phone to watch Youtube videos of bulldogs jumping into swimming pools. Read a book by flashlight, just like Abraham Lincoln did when he lost power. Or, use the outage as an excuse to get to know your family better. For example: One outage, I decided to reconnect with my oldest son and I learned a lot. Most notable was the fact that he was away at college some five hundred miles away. I forget the name of the college…

Remember to wait at least 6 hours before looting. Canned fruit salad can be wrapped in foil and grilled in your backyard. But, remember, just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean that you should. You and your family may have to huddle together for warmth or apart for coolness, depending on the time of year. If you own a firearm, make sure it is cleaned and oiled and safely hidden away in the fuse-box. The power will come on again. You’ll be comfortable, entertained and well-lit…

and you probably won’t even have to eat your family…

17 thoughts on “So, Your Power is Out…

  1. If you don’t remember your power company, just check online… Oh Wait! I can get online on my phone!

    This guy was steaming mad because he couldn’t get his computer to work. We asked him to check his cords and see if they’d become unplugged. He said he couldn’t see, the lights were out. We asked him if the lights were out on the block. He angrily replied “OF COURSE, THEY’RE OUT ON THE BLOCK!” So we said you have to wait until the power comes back on to get online. He shrieked, “I’m talking with you, aren’t I? If my phone works, why can’t I get on my computer?!!!!”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey, I’ve seen some of those brochures … formal and informal dining rooms, bar and grill, swimming pool, hot tub, workout room, library, movie theater … someone else doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry … Hmm … wonder what other plumbing I can mess with …


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