Why I’ll Never Write My Memoirs

Reading: 5 Powerful Books to Improve Your Life | Time

Every character in it would be more interesting than I am.

I’m afraid I’d let it slip out that I’m indirectly responsible for the Challenger Shuttle disaster.

Every title I come up with has already been used… except Crime and Punishment, but who’d read a book with a title like THAT?

I don’t want anyone to know I spent most of my twenties waiting in line for Pink Floyd tickets.

I get uncomfortable talking about myself for more than ten minutes without someone feigning interest.

What’s the point? I don’t find true love and I don’t kill the terrorists… I might subscribe to Amazon Prime, though.

I worry that if they make my memoirs into a movie, the part of me will be played by Seth Rogan… or worse, Jack Black…

The only ghost-writer I interviewed was a Luddite and instead of dictating into a tape recorder, I had to patiently repeat my story to her parrot.

I’m afraid people will realize that my life is just a metaphor for the struggle to achieve anti-trust legislation in the nineteenth century.

Critics have it in for me. They called my first novel, “derivative” of Saul Bellow just because I used one the chapters of Seize the Day in my book. In my defense, that chapter was in quotes.

19 thoughts on “Why I’ll Never Write My Memoirs

  1. It’s rumored that Lady Jane Grey was going to write her memoirs before she went to the guillotine., but she lost her head and it never came off. No one knows for sure — it’s a Grey area.

    Liked by 2 people

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