A Message to Movie Producers

If a character has the name of a president, make that character a black man. If he’s “Franklin Roosevelt Jones”, I wanna see Denzel Washington and not Ryan Gosling. Actually, I can’t think of any situation where I’d wanna see Ryan Gosling over Denzel Washington…

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If the female lead can’t act, she must expose her breasts, in the film, for no less than seven seconds.

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If a male lead can’t act, he must become a cast member for the Fast and Furious franchise until such time as he can run for the House of Representatives.

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If you show us a natural gas refinery and no one blows it up, we will never trust you again.

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If you cast a singer for a large role but she doesn’t sing in the movie, she should be required to blow up a natural gas refinery sometime in the movie.

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NO MORE INTERRACIAL GANGS. I don’t think showing violent criminals ignoring race and cooperating with one another is what Dr. Martin Luther King had in mind when he preached unity.

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In just ONE horror movie could you PLEASE let the slutty girl live? Also, killing off the black friend in the first fifteen minutes is getting kind of predictable. Why not have the two fall in love and make a pact to drive as far away as possible after the first bloody murder? The uptight virgin should manage to take out the serial killer. She always has before…

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If an actor or actress is listed as one of the stars of a movie and doesn’t show up for twenty minutes or more and basically as a cameo, that producer should be required to do that naked shame walk from Game of Thrones but instead of pelting him with garbage and waste, the onlookers should pelt him with bad reviews and then drop a house on him.

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If you make a bad movie with copyrighted characters just so you don’t lose the copyright, your family should be taken away from you and replaced with random strangers.

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If I have to sit through one more four-hour director’s cut, I’m going to go out and cut a director.