Stuff You Don’t Know about Me

I tried phone-sex only once but I couldn’t figure out where to put the phone. Improvising only made it more unpleasant and a little humiliating…

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I once stalked and killed a three-hundred pound big horn sheep… best experience of my LIFE; but, I don’t think I’ll be doing it a second time now that the zoo has my photograph on file.

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I saved a child from drowning once, making me feel a little better about the child I’d drowned the previous year.

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I tried to persuade the Catholic church to label my stigmata a “miracle”; but, while they were considering, the video of me drinking heavily and playing with the nail-gun was released on YouTube.

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If you want to treat your depression by riding it to the rock bottom and working out what you find, I can report that there IS no bottom.

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Bill Gates once called me a “clumsy idiot”… But, I think his anger was mostly due to the fact that I’d accidentally knocked him down and stepped on his face…

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In my entire life, I’ve never once turned down ham.

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I once paid an eleven year old girl to kill a business rival. I hired her because I could pay in unicorn stickers…

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When the children were young, we’d leave them with their grandparents and go for a little hike in the woods… well, actually we’d go to the woods to have sex because it’s difficult to concentrate in the bedroom with two kids whining and banging on the bedroom door like the cast of Night of the Living Dead.

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There was a time when I’d wake up in the morning with scratches and other wounds that I didn’t have the night before. A doctor examined my wounds and told me to keep my nails trimmed and to stop sleeping in the parrot’s cage.