Foods that Everyone Likes

Pancakes: Whenever I finish eating pancakes, I ask myself, “Why don’t I eat pancakes every day?”. The answer is simple: Pancakes are a calorie-bomb that few people can work off in their daily job. Lumberjacks can, but I’ll never be a lumberjack because I’m not a transvestite…

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Sirloin Steak: I like my steak seared but barely cooked. If I don’t get one, periodically, they find me sleep-walking in a pasture trying to kill a dairy cow with a rock. When that iron-tasting beef blood travels down my throat, I feel a kinship to vampires. I’m still sad that Kate Beckinsale won’t answer my emails.

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Vanilla Malted: Imagine you had collected six ounces of God’s sweat, added it to some Ambrosia; then, blended it with ice cream and garnished it with french-fried manna. When you drink a vanilla malted, you’ll know what it feels like to have Supergirl as a wet nurse. And, the carbohydrates give you the energy to walk two miles to the nearest cow pasture.

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Bacon: From what I understand from my theology class, if a person goes their entire life without ever trying bacon, they are born again and again until they do… except vegetarians: They just go straight to Hell.

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Lasagna: All the flavors of spaghetti compressed into a casserole the same density as a neutron star. Kids love lasagna; however, it remains the temperature of molten rock sometimes until the dessert cart rolls by; in fact, my mother cut me a piece of lasagna when I was nine and it is still too hot to eat…

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Watermelon: Watermelon is the whole package: Sweet, crunchy… with enough fiber to make a tuxedo. You won’t find a better fruit in the entire plant kingdom, but only because mangoes lose two points for overall sliminess. Think of a watermelon as a cucumber that reaches godhood…

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French Fries: It’s universal… EVERYONE likes french fries. Why do you think fast food places stay in business? Do you think it’s the quality of the hamburger? Even people allergic to french fries LOVE french fries. If someone tells you that they DON’T like fries, grab them behind the jaw and pull their mask off because they are obviously from another galaxy.

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Lobster: Lobster is a seafood that is so good that you immediately forget you are essentially eating a spider. The only smile wider than when the waiter brings a lobster to your table is the smile when a waiter brings TWO lobsters to your table. Except people from Maine; because they NEVER smile. Probably has a lot to do with winter ten months a year, possessed vintage cars or the transformation of their dead pets into zombies…

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Duck: Duck is tasty; duck is fun; you can eat it on a bun. No matter what, your life won’t suck… just as long as you have duck.

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Napoleon: Most bakeries stopped making this mixture of pastry cream, puff pastry and icing because the pupils of some customers would dilate from the pleasure and not shrink back down later. It’s a deconstructed custard pie that has been brought back to oneness by the Dalai Lama. Now, they can only be found in treasure caves jealously guarded by dragons…