2-d Shapes that I HATE!!! Part One

Triangle: I dislike starting this list with the shape that I hate most of all, especially since a lot of you think ellipse should be the most hated; but, triangles definitely get on my nerves the most. I know that there’s an entire branch of mathematics based on triangles; but, that was thousands of years ago. And, from ancient Greece. What has ancient Greece given us lately? I’ll tell you: Old tan guys in baggy pants who walk like Redd Foxx smell like grilled lamb. No wonder triangles are on the wan. Mathematicians are looking for a substitute for triangles. Unfortunately, whenever they come up with a shape with three sides, it later turns out to be a triangle… despite the stipulation, “No Triangles!” in the ad…

Some of you will complain that triangles are useful for measuring things indirectly. They postulate a situation where you have to paint a wall that is too tall to measure its height, so you use its shadow and a little ingenuity to get the height… using TRIANGLES… similar triangles… which, despite their name, ARE NOT THAT SIMILAR! Sneaky triangles. Besides that, you can STILL paint the wall. If you run out of paint, do the calculation of figuring out where to BUY MORE. Yeah, I know the color never EXACTLY matches, but it’s a TALL WALL, remember… so no one will even SEE the top.

To me, a triangle always looked like someone was going to make a quadrilateral and just GAVE UP three-quarters of the way into it. “Shoddy” isn’t even the word for that… well, actually it’s the perfect word for that but I really wanted something monosyllabic. I’d use “execrable” but, the only time I ever actually said that word, I swallowed my tongue and passed out.

In the future, I’ll only be using the diagonals of rectangles to estimate distance. If enough people do this we can put triangles in their place…

Trapezoid: A trapezoid is a rectangle drawn by someone who just doesn’t give a damn. Something that should be on the sign on a child’s lemonade stand, just under the backwards ‘e’. If a triangle were a horse and someone cut that horse into two equal pieces (not LENGTH-WISE, YOU MONSTER), the trapezoid would be the half with the tail, if you know what I mean… As I stated, triangles are bad enough… but, HALF a triangle shows a lack of commitment we usually only see in teenage cashiers…

Hexagon: You’d think that I’d have no issues with hexagons and you’d be more wrong than the Very Mistaken tribe of Eastern New Guinea. You see HONEYCOMBS are arranged in a hexagon pattern and I HATE BEES. The only reason I eat honey is because it is stolen from bees. I don’t EVEN LIKE the stuff… has a weird honey-like aftertaste… In my opinion, bees specifically evolved to take the most joyous time in a person’s life, with NOTHING bad on the horizon and turn it into an emergency room visit with enough antihistamines to start your own over the counter cold medicine.

PLUS, they use hexagons in strategy game boards. So, you can go in six directions instead of four but NONE of them are up and down. Can you imagine Scipio Africanus looking directly AT Hannibal’s forces at the battle at Zama and he couldn’t attack them because they were DUE SOUTH??? Ludicrous! It’s like a woman giving birth through her nipple, although after reviewing the mental picture associated with that, I forget exactly what my point was…