Claim whatever word you are discussing comes from the “Middle English” from the “Old French” because who cares?
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Sprinkle your essay with made up quotes from Tolstoy. Remember to avoid topics like lasers, nuclear energy and the band Boyz II Men.
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Writing a simple sentence, when a more complicated one is just as valid, except that the longer a sentence gets the more likely that the reader will lose track of how that sentence began and, as a consequence the elephant remains under the frozen waterfall.
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Too stupid to come up with irony? No problem. Just IMPLY irony and someone else will find it in your writing FOR you; moreover, the intelligentsia will accept you as one of their own… until they actually have a conversation with you.
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Remember, Tolstoy said, “No one is so intelligent that he doesn’t have traces of doddering, stupidity and indecision especially when it comes to researching high-powered lasers–” Damnit!
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Write stuff on 3 x 5 cards. You don’t have to do anything with it but it’s what smart people do.
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Get a PhD in something… anything! Even Hotel Management. Then, refer to yourself as “Doctor”.
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Never offer your own opinion of anything. Always offer that of a famous smart person. There are smart person things all over the internet; or, as Alexandr Solzhenitsyn said, “Talent is always conscious of its own abundance, and does not object to sharing”. Yeah, I know, palpable nonsense; but, he wrote The Cancer Ward and survived a Soviet prison camp so show a little respect.
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Write at least one essay on Homer’s Iliad. Avoid comparisons to things like tomato bisque or The Beverly Hillbillies…
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Remember to only mock well-established and respected ideas… like, utilitarianism or gravity.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
This is so funny and so true. One of partner’s bosses donated to a university and was given an hononary doctorate – dumb as dog****
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A lot of people think that, to be an intellectual, you simply need to fill out a form and wait for the official hat and membership card to arrive by mail…
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Is the elephant OK though? Because that’s quite a predicament he’s in.
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Oh, he’ll be FINE… unless he slips and falls down the side of the frozen waterfall… which he almost certainly will…
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Get a PhD in something… anything! Even Hotel Management. Then, refer to yourself as “Doctor”.
I had this brief moment/ lapse where I thought it might be funny to change my name to ‘Professor’ by deed poll, but then I remembered that this isn’t necessary since one can choose to pronounce one’s name however one wishes (at least, I think that’s true under English law, though — as always — I may be mistaken). So all one need do is claim that one’s name, however it’s spelt, is pronounced ‘Professor’ 🙂
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That’s pretty shrewd. You could’ve save Gordon Sumner a lot of trouble. He could’ve just said, “My name is SPELLED “G-o-r-d-o-n” but, it’s pronounced “Sting”…
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Totally a different world this blog is…..keep contributing, the world needs people like you
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Does the Odyssey count?
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It depends. If you read it in the original Greek, yes. If it is only four pages long and floats in the bathtub, no…
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