How to be More Smarterer

Claim whatever word you are discussing comes from the “Middle English” from the “Old French” because who cares?


Sprinkle your essay with made up quotes from Tolstoy. Remember to avoid topics like lasers, nuclear energy and the band Boyz II Men.


Writing a simple sentence, when a more complicated one is just as valid, except that the longer a sentence gets the more likely that the reader will lose track of how that sentence began and, as a consequence the elephant remains under the frozen waterfall.


Too stupid to come up with irony? No problem. Just IMPLY irony and someone else will find it in your writing FOR you; moreover, the intelligentsia will accept you as one of their own… until they actually have a conversation with you.


Remember, Tolstoy said, “No one is so intelligent that he doesn’t have traces of doddering, stupidity and indecision especially when it comes to researching high-powered lasers–” Damnit!


Write stuff on 3 x 5 cards. You don’t have to do anything with it but it’s what smart people do.


Get a PhD in something… anything! Even Hotel Management. Then, refer to yourself as “Doctor”.


Never offer your own opinion of anything. Always offer that of a famous smart person. There are smart person things all over the internet; or, as Alexandr Solzhenitsyn said, “Talent is always conscious of its own abundance, and does not object to sharing”. Yeah, I know, palpable nonsense; but, he wrote The Cancer Ward and survived a Soviet prison camp so show a little respect.


Write at least one essay on Homer’s Iliad. Avoid comparisons to things like tomato bisque or The Beverly Hillbillies


Remember to only mock well-established and respected ideas… like, utilitarianism or gravity.


9 thoughts on “How to be More Smarterer

  1. Get a PhD in something… anything! Even Hotel Management. Then, refer to yourself as “Doctor”.

    I had this brief moment/ lapse where I thought it might be funny to change my name to ‘Professor’ by deed poll, but then I remembered that this isn’t necessary since one can choose to pronounce one’s name however one wishes (at least, I think that’s true under English law, though — as always — I may be mistaken). So all one need do is claim that one’s name, however it’s spelt, is pronounced ‘Professor’ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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