[Why yes, this idea came to me when I was half asleep. How did you know?]
You should stab your luggage because…
It’s the only way it will learn.
The holes will allow baggage-handlers to see if there is anything that they want in your suitcase so they won’t have to break the lock to check.
The Aztecs used to sacrifice people or animals to ensure good crops, good weather or victory in battle. Surely sacrificing your overnight bag will at least get you that newly vacated cubicle by the window.
If you don’t establish your dominance over your luggage, your tote bags and clothes hangers will just walk all over you.
If you put off stabbing your luggage, it might be your neighbor that gets the article written about him in the Metro section.
Ancient peoples had a practice called “trepanning”, where they would drill holes in the head to let out evil spirits. It might work with a suitcase; and, if it does, there’s a chance it will reward you with wishes. Not likely, but if you are reading this list, probability is not your strong suit…
Because if you stab your couch, you are just going to look like a nut.
When coworkers ask, “What did you do this weekend?”, telling them you stabbed your overnight bag is preferable to telling them you sat naked on a cold floor, eating bag after bag of Doritos and watching a Father Knows Best marathon on cable.
The right to stab your own luggage is guaranteed in the Constitution. If we don’t exercise that right, we are no better than Russia, Venezuela or St. Louis.
Because it has seen things and who knows how long it can keep quiet about them…